Why relationship problems are fodder for media gossip

Passengers burst into laughter as a woman explains the eccentric behaviour that drove her to leave her husband. It’s a welcome break from the monotony of sitting for hours in the morning traffic.

People who were quiet an hour earlier when boarding the matatu are now talking animatedly about the man who would force his wife to slaughter a chicken and cook it for a 2am dinner.

“Huyo mwanaume ni jogoo (That is a real man)," says one male passenger.

“If that were my husband, I, too, would have walked out of that marriage," says a woman in the matatu. "A man goes out drinking with God-knows who, then comes home at midnight, waking me up to make him chicken? Me, I can’t!”

The discussion among the passengers shifts to the roles of men and women in marriage, and what would be considered acceptable behaviour. By the time the matatu gets to its final destination, most of the passengers alight from the vehicle livened up by the discussion.

Relationship advice is very popular on radio, television, newspapers and on social media. On the radio, callers explain their marital conflicts then listeners are encouraged to chip in with their views on that problem. People everywhere listen to these call-in sessions: in public transport, workplaces, markets and boda boda sheds.

Almost all radio stations have an interactive talk show to discuss relationships. Religious radio stations also have similar sessions but with much less sensationalism compared to their secular counterparts. Religious stations often invite clerics to shed light on relevant teachings regarding a particular problem.

Are marital problems becoming a source of entertainment in the media? That's the conclusion one would reach after listening to the radio stations. This raises questions on whether media personalities are qualified as relationship counsellors. Some of the problems callers raise on air have to do with the welfare of children in marital conflict, a matter that should not be taken lightly. 

Deadbeat dads and child custody disputes feature prominently on radio talk shows, perhaps a pointer to the state of marriages in the country. The mostly young mothers accuse their boyfriends of abandoning them. When contacted by the talk show hosts to state their side of the story, the accused men cite unemployment, personality clashes and problems with in-laws as the main reasons for the breakup of their unions.

As the media competes to woo audiences, there is a tendency to look for the most bizarre stories to capture the public attention. Intense competition for the most unusual story can tempt radio hosts to get into very controversial discussions.

Last March, two radio presenters got into trouble for remarks which seemed to condone gender-based violence. Radio host Shaffie Weru and DJ Joe Mfalme were subsequently fired from Homeboyz Radio following the public furore over their remarks.

“Radio presenters are not trained to offer relationship advice, and that’s why some of them laugh about the cases on air,” Frida Mogaka, a communications officer in a Nairobi-based institution, says. “How is a musician qualified in relationship advice?”

Social media has not been left behind, and there’s a growing army of online counsellors offering relationship advice; some for free, others for money. Anyone with a large enough following can make a name advising couples. The challenge with social media is that the people offering relationship advice may not have much experience as counsellors. For such influencers, getting into relationship advice is all about trending on social media. The more controversial the subject, the more it trends.

There’s the added danger of reinforcing negative beliefs about gender, ethnicity, social class and race. Some of the relationship tips offered on social media are based on outdated beliefs of how men and women should relate with each other. The ideas could be easily dismissed as the thoughts of old-fashioned persons if it wasn't for the fact that these online relationship experts have many followers.

Despite the criticisms, there is a role for relationship advice in both the mainstream media and on social media. Many people are looking for answers, and the tips provided by the media help people facing questions such as:

• What should I do if my spouse is cheating?
• What should I do if my spouse is not taking care of our child?
• Who, between husband and wife, should pay for household bills?
• Should a man finance his girlfriend’s expenses before they get married?
• How should I deal with my spouse’s family?
• My husband lost his job; what should I do?
• My spouse left me but wants to get back; should I forgive him/her?
• What is the best age for marriage?

By bringing these questions out into an open discussion, the media gets people to share their experiences with those dilemmas. The answers from callers may help other people caught up in similar situations. For example, spouses who separated but have children can learn how to best manage the circumstances for the benefit of their children. Couples quarrelling over household finances get tips on how to share expenses. Those facing challenges with in-laws get to learn from other couples how to avoid conflict and how to deal with it if it arises.

The talk show format where radio presenters interact with listeners is popular not just for relationship advice but for a whole range of other topics, including politics. People look forward to interacting with radio presenters, especially if he or she is a famous celebrity. Quite importantly, people love those kinds of programmes because they touch on issues that matter to society.

Nevertheless, marital problems are turning into a form of entertainment, much like watching soap operas on television. The difference is that, unlike soap operas, the callers are real people talking about real problems in their lives.