• Bachelor sees a lot of parallels between modern weddings and old punishments
Diary,
Barely a century ago, public humiliation was a common form of punishment. An offender would be tied up at the Town Square, where passers-by would insult, spit and throw stuff like rotten tomatoes at them. It was meant to be a deterrent to both the offenders and the rest of the public.
Now, think of a wedding. How different is it from that ancient practice? First, they call it “tying the knot,” equating it with being sent to jail, like offenders do, right?
Second, you get dressed in goofy outfits you’ll never wear another day in your lives before being paraded all over town in vehicles specially marked with bows and flowers so everyone knows for sure who is going to prison for life.
Third, a person dressed in all black (priest or judge, take your pick), using “the power vested in me by the government of Kenya,” makes you swear to forever have and hold, love and obey, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, till the Grim Reaper grabs one of you.
If it was me, I’d raise my hand. “Hold up, Mr Clergyman. For better or for worse? You mean, no matter what she does, for better or for worse, I’m bound to stick by her? She gets banged by the neighbour, I stick by her? She drinks too much muratina at the family gathering, stands on a table and strips naked, I still stick by her? What if I go home, open the door, and stumble right into an orgy? Oh, wait. I would probably join in, but what of the others?”
Diary, imagine throwing a feast so people can celebrate the fact that the bride will no longer make numerous men happy, and shall until eternity make one man absolutely miserable? And as they walk out of the condemnation chamber (court or church, take your pick), what do people do? Throw confetti at them! It may not be rotten tomatoes, but come on!
And as most attendees tear into the rice and mukimo, they’re betting on how long the couple will be shackled.
“I give them two years, tops,” says one.
“Two years?” wonders another. “These two might make it to five years. Don’t you see this food? No meat. That means they’re stingy people, and stingy people hate sharing. These two will separate in sickness, not in health. That’s after one of them poisons the other.”
“She doesn’t have to poison him,” says a third. “All she has to do is keep feeding him this rubbish. He’ll die on his own.”