I know… it is a rather unfair question for most husbands of today. Unfair because most of you had very little choice in whom you ended up getting married to. She must have either fallen pregnant or simply refused to leave your house after that drunken one-night stand, and you ended up wifing her. But it is also not an unreasonable query for the many men who find themselves trapped 'till death' to beings they seldom understand.
Ladies, calm your tatas… I can already hear you swearing and wishing me hell. I am neither saying that men are perfect nor am I encouraging them to play victims – I am simply making an observation. While the fairer sex has perfected the attraction game by using makeup, horse hair, wonder bras and waist trainers, men still find themselves at a loss when it comes to judging a woman’s character. The consequence is that most are now stuck with wives whose personalities are a constant source of embarrassment.
Take Wanja for instance. I happen to regularly visit a barbershop where she works. Wanja is a very beautiful woman I must admit - her heavy Kikuyu accent notwithstanding - perhaps it is the reason why she was hired to work there. Men love it when she massages their bald heads after a haircut. Wanja is strict and does not fool around with men. But she always has a story to tell about a colleague or friend. Last weekend she told me (and by extension everyone else who was present) a rather awkward story about her husband. “Nyinyi wanaume sinjui mnakuaga anje… Mtu akikugusa vizuli unawashiria hewa…aki sisi mabibi tunashinda nyigi…” Basically, the man she calls husband breaks wind every time they get intimate.
Although the men present burst out laughing, you could not help but notice their unease listening to another man’s privacy being laid bare. I do not know Wanja’s husband, and after that story I am not looking forward to ever meeting him. But Wanja is not necessarily a bad wife – any woman who can give that kind of massage is automatically hot. She is also very easy on the eye – you can tell from the stares she gets from men who visit the barbershop… If only she could keep a secret.
Just as beautiful, if not more dazzling is Amina – a young journalist who is causing ripples across the media industry. Anyone who has ever worked in a media house understands just how hot the game is. The sassy TV reporter is quite the looker, and enough politicians have already taken notice. But perhaps even more keen on the attention she receives from men is Amina herself. The married mother of two loves being the centre of attraction wherever she goes. She is very touchy and enjoys running her bare hands over the heads of her male colleagues. Of course the men love it.
I saw her the other day getting uncomfortably close to some politician 40 years her senior. The man had visited our offices for an interview, and Amina offered to help him wear the microphone on his shirt. Wah! I felt for the granddad as he clearly struggled to contain himself. I did not fail to notice that he took quite a while before leaving his seat after the interview. Of course he had to get Amina’s phone number.
Women like Amina may be quick to fault Wanja for getting too close to their men in the line of work. Equally, Wanja would have enough nasty adjectives to describe Amina’s antics. These two women are typically Kenyan and are part of the list that causes men to get ulcers as they choose a wife. I’m not saying that picking a husband is any easier, but I now understand the men who prefer not to venture into the murky waters of matrimony.