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November 19, 2018

My man is not affectionate any more

My man is not affectionate any more.
My man is not affectionate any more.

Valentine,

I am married to the most unaffectionate man. He was okay before when we were just dating but now that we are married, he has really changed. What can I do?

Naomi

 

Happy New Year Naomi, though you do not sound like you are enjoying 2016. Pole sana.

If your husband had been this way all along, I would have said that you cannot change an adult, but you can ask for consideration and see what happens. However, even now with the sudden change, I suggest that you do the same thing.

Instead of telling your husband that he is doing something wrong, how about you initiate the affection more often and then tell him that you miss it? Is it hugs and kisses that you are after? Phone calls and sexy texts throughout the day? Him randomly feeling you up when you bump into each other in the house? Cuddling on the sofa while you watch TV? Tell him.

I get why you want the affection. It makes you feel secure, valued, wanted, desired and even loved. Affections makes us feel cared for and really seen by the person who is reaching out to touch us. It is actually one of the basic human needs so of course you want it.

I wonder what made him stop being affectionate. Does he think that boyfriends are allowed to be ‘touchy feely’ but now that he is a married man, all that is unnecessary child’s play?

Initiate the affection more, and when you get a chance, tell him that you miss him and his hands or lips. Let him know what his touch does to and for you. It is a cold man who will ignore you and leave you hanging and feeling lonely. And it doesn’t sound like he is a cold man Naomi.

 

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Valentine, at what point during sex am I supposed to put on the condom?

Joe

 

Well Joe, I love your question. A few years ago I was reading a South African love story and at some point the couple were mid coitus. I was shocked at how much they did to each other before a condom was introduced and worn.

I believe the condom should go on before any contact between genitals because they provide protection from pregnancy but also and perhaps more importantly, disease. Sexually transmitted infections are passed on from genital contact so the condom should be on pretty early. They are also recommended before any oral contact with genitalia to protect the giver (of oral sex) from genital herpes.

Some people feel that condom wearing is an awkward pause during sexual activity but it doesn’t have to be. You can ask your partner to put it on you, which as a young man will serve you as an indication of consent.

Thanks again for your question Joe, it seems obvious that we should wear condoms but the timing of that donning is crucial and not frequently discussed.

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