With all the drama lately, I think it is time we set the rules. Sometimes what we think is obvious is not always clear to many.
Now mistresses, or as we like to call them now — mpango wa kandos — have been around as long as there have been men and women. I guess it worked well in earlier times because everyone knew exactly what was expected of them. Mistresses knew their place to the extent that you would hear of a mistress sending the man to his wife’s bed to bear legitimate heirs!
These days you hear absurd stories of women harassing their fellow women because they do not understand the life they chose. So here is a small guide on what you should do. Before you get excited and start accusing me of ‘condoning’ mpangos: one, I used to have a community husband and two, I just write about what is there. I have never been the head-in-the-sand ostrich.
First things first, my dear ladies, you must figure out if he is promiscuous or polygamous. Do not start using wifely emotions on a promiscuous man. A polygamous man will marry you whether the other fish in the pond like it or not. A promiscuous man will keep you hidden, you and 25 others.
What you decide in the darkness should stay in the darkness. You have been seeing this man in secret. It is the life you have chosen. You cannot wake up one day and want the light. No, you cannot send his wife a text to tell her where her husband is. No one asked you, even if you are sitting on him. As far as she is concerned, he is doing stock taking at his club at three in the morning. You cannot leave your earrings or lipstick in his car. Creating problems for him at home will not make him want to stay with you. Your allure is that you exist yet you do not. Stick to the script.
Respect your fellow woman. You are already ‘sharing’ without her knowledge. Do not go to her house. Even if she is not there and she will never know. Do not go to pick him or drop him. Even if you are dropping him at the gate. Why do you want to embarrass her? If madam should get your number and call you, you must never get into a confrontation with her. Pretend to be deaf, throw your phone at the wall, whatever it takes.
Try not to give birth nani. No matter how many times he says he wants children with you. Unless that man will openly raise them as his children. When we were young, my mother used to tell us to bring our boy/girlfriends home as soon as we met them. I found my mother very strange because my age mates would be skinned alive if their parents knew they had ‘friends’. One day I asked my mother why she always wanted to meet them. She replied, “you might be dating your brother and you don’t know.” I wondered why my mother was so extreme! Until I started telling my 17-year-old to always bring her boyfriends home.
Do not make long-term plans. Do not dream of white picket fences or white weddings. (If he is polygamous, he may marry you but still, no white dress. Look for a kitenge. No fairy tales.)
He probably ‘lured’ you with promises of financial freedom. Fair enough. Everyone wants to live well. Assess his financial situation, though. Do not compete with his children’s stomachs. You really should not buy a Sh50,000 weave when he has not paid school fees. You are a woman, someone will do the same to your daughter. (Yes, I believe children are our future. Also in karma.)
Listen, mistresses played a big role in history. Many were confidants and advisers to kings and rulers. We already established that many men are polygamous and most promiscuous. So mistresses/mpangos are here to stay. They just need to know their place and not kill wives. Wives also have their place. Some of these men would be unmanageable if left solely to one woman.