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February 20, 2019

I have absolutely no desire for sex

Hello Valentine,

At what point does one pinpoint their sexual orientation? I have never been sexually attracted to a man, I don’t even know what the means. Also I have never been sexually attracted to a woman. Could this be because I’m a virgin? I’m 22.



Hmmm Anita… how interesting for me and confusing for you. I really wish we could talk this out face to face so that we could explore what your actual feelings are in this area.

At your age, many of us have not fully identified and named our feelings for the opposite sex. Inexperience and a lack of spaces to discuss these things in play a huge role. Many of us women spend our adolescence being shamed about spending time with the opposite sex.

This blanket disapproval means we do not feel comfortable talking about any feelings we have in this arena, we try to ignore these feelings and we miss out on identifying and even naming them.

So let us start with the basics: have you ever had a crush on a boy? Maybe being around him excited you? You found yourself wanting to spend more and more time with him? Listen to him? What about touching him? Did you fantasize about kissing him? Or perhaps you enjoyed being in his arms when he hugged you hello?

Have you ever had these feelings for a woman or a girl? The term ‘sexual attraction’ is big and weighty. It implies we want to rip another person’s clothes off. It implies we are naughty or bad, and depending on just how effective the ‘sexual shame as discipline’ was in your past, you will have a hard time getting over this.

I suggest you take some time to answer the above questions and figure out if you really have avoided sexual attraction for as long as you think you have. We like to think we are special but most of us fall within a sexual range and you are probably just a picky heterosexual girl. Homosexuals form a minority of the population; while asexuals – people who feel no sexual desire or attraction to others – form an even smaller group. I doubt that you are asexual.

Take your time figuring out your feelings especially in the presence of people you find beautiful or hot. There is no rush and please be patient with yourself. We cannot all be early bloomers rushing into sex.

Most of us find we have to give ourselves permission to be sexual and enjoy our sexuality. It takes years of experimentation, heartache and even some embarrassment to really know what we like and where our boundaries lie in the sexual arena. Do not despair there are moments of joy, excitement and exhilaration along the way. Just take your time and remember it is your sexual journey and it does not have to look like anyone else’s.

Good luck Anita and do write again and let me know how things are going.

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