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January 22, 2019

The Kenyan James Bond, watch this space!

The Kenyan James Bond, watch this space!
The Kenyan James Bond, watch this space!

This past weekend I joined the rest of the world to watch Spectre, the 23rd installment in the movie series that follows the exploits of British spy James Bond.

The movie has been acted by Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, George Lazenby, Pierce Brosnan and most recently by Daniel Craig since it debuted in 1962.

The movies follow a pretty standard format. Secret agent James Bond is summoned to the headquarters of the British spy agency in London where he meets his boss “M”.

M will then give him an assignment to investigate something he feels threatens British security and, or, interests. After being given his assignment he will be kitted with cool state of the art gadgets by “Q” after which he will go into the field.

After killing many bad guys, he will get to meet the head bad guy who is a psychopath with plans to take over the world. They are very important to the movie plot as usually this unhinged person trying to end our way of life as we know it is usually an exact contrast of the cool calm and collected Bond character. Drinking his vodka martini, shaken and not stirred, and surrounded by a bevy of beauties he will save the day.

As I watched this Spectre movie, which was one of the better ones in the Bond series, I couldn’t help but wonder if we could do that in Kenya.

After all it’s known movies are very good for the economies of the countries that produce. I have heard it said that the Nollywood movie industry in Nigeria employs more people than the oil industry which is the West African country’s biggest exchange earner.

Maybe we, too, can jump on this train and start making movies to help our nation. What better series to copy and paste than this James Bond series. If Hollywood won’t give us a black Bond then our introducing him will be universally welcomed surely?

Our Kenyan Bond might have to have different name so that we won’t have to be in court for decades with the producers of the original series; we would simply call our hero James Obond.

In this series, Obond would be summoned by our minister of security and he would be given his brief on the threat to Kenya’s national security.

The threat for instance would be investigate the actions of an evil journalist leaking state secrets to the public under the guise of fighting corruption. Turning media who are placed in high regard into villains should work quite well.

Our James Obond will follow the bad guy starting by reading the newspaper the said journalist writes for cover to cover. The assignment would be to follow the said journalist from his house to his office, then he is arrested before our spy hero rushes to the printing press that is churning out the offending story. He will then destroy the press just as the newspaper is getting off the production line.

With his assignment sorted, Obond would then be assigned to the gadget person in the government which seems to be located at the Ministry of Devolution. Here, he will be allocated several items to protect him in the field by “W”.

His Aston Martin car, which is borrowed from the minister, will be fitted with many gadgets like TVs that can tune into many channels that the bad guys are known to watch. He will also be assigned a special pen which will allow him to track the location of the bad guy. The pen which looks like a pen but is much more thus costs much more will also have with it an exploding device that can render a newsroom of rabid rogue journalists useless when it explodes.

He will also be assigned several sex toys which he will use to extract information from the colleagues of the rogue media agent. The toys will ensure that Agent Obond will simply approach the female colleagues and then offer to take them to cloud nine while behind closed doors. As soon as said colleague says, “Obond nimeshoka” the extraction of information will start until the intentions of the suspect are ascertained.

With his full complement of tools he will then go out into the field and seek out the bad guy as he goes through a raft of 'socialites' who will all, as standard, be gifted with large derrieres and save the day.

Make my dream happen Riverwood.

Venue review: Paul Caffe, Coffee House, Jomo Kenyatta International Airport

The plan was to go on a flight to Kisumu using rapidly growing local career Jambojet a few days ago. While at the airport, an hour before the fight, I needed to have a drink before going into domestic departures.

The options at the airport aren’t exactly the most diverse. At one end there is The Pub offering food and drink that has already been reviewed in these pages. There is also a Kenchic which is selling their usual fast food offerings at a higher price that you would find on one of their Central Business District spaces. I opted for this new place called Paul Cafe about 50 metres from international arrivals.

Paul Cafe is a reasonably large café with two main sections; an area overlooking the road as well as an 'internal' area where one could enjoy their meal without concerning themselves with the happenings outside. The décor in here was decent enough for the space with the many tables of the café variety that reminded one of the Java and the Dorman’s coffee houses. I opted to have a seat at the area by the road to see folks as they come into and leave the airport, which was quite a pleasurable sight for me as a people watcher.

It took a while but eventually a waitress in a brown blouse and black trousers came and offered me a menu. I looked through it and I noted it was a mite expensive compared to what you find in town – this must be the premium for having a meal at an international airport I suppose. My usual cold Tusker was retailing at Sh300 while the coffee was going for Sh150. I opted for the Cold Lager seeing as it was a warm day.

After getting my drink sorted I got my WiFi password and started doing some work that I needed to get out of the way before heading out of town. Having a meal and working like myself were professional looking individuals of both sexes. I suspect the crowd in this place were en route to another part of the world; not for social purposes.

A recap of the venue:

Good: Decent décor and WiFi, disability friendly

Bad: Pricey, slow service, while washrooms are clean, you have to access them at the arrival terminal

My verdict: It’s probably the best place to have a drink and a meal while waiting for your flight at JKIA right now.

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