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January 23, 2019

I am thinking of stepping out on my wife

Hi Valentine,

I have been married for a few years and sex with my wife is boring. I am about to cheat on her. How can I get her to try new things?



Well Amos, I am glad that you want to spice things up and you are looking for help on how to do that. However, straight off the cuff, threats are not the way. You must not under any circumstances say ‘do this or else…’Trying new things in the bedroom requires trust and a playful attitude. Threats will not foster that.

How about you do not even mention the fact that you are bored? How about you don’t even mention that you want to try new things? How about you just do it? I suggest this because discussing trying new things will probably make the actual trying a very awkward event. It might feel choreographed. This approach will only work if what you want does not require a huge discussion. To be clear, all things kink require a conversation — anal sex, a threesome or any other group sex activity, spanking, bondage etc all require a conversation. Of course everyone’s definition of kink varies a little, as do the rules of engagement, but I am sure you have a good idea of what your wife considers kink.

You didn’t mention what it is you want to try but I suggest you take your wife out of your regular routine. Perhaps send the maid and kids to bed early, light some candles, put on some music and pour her favourite drink. I do not have to spell out how to create the mood, you did after all get this woman to marry you. Try to get in to what you want to try and weigh her reaction. Alternatively you could try reverse psychology: praise her ability to turn you on and tell her that you love her sense of adventure. She might then start to see herself as a vixen or seductress who takes you places no other woman can.

You might laugh at this suggestion but consider that people do not stoop to meet low expectations but most of us stretch to meet high ones. A child who is branded ‘bright’ tends to become a high achiever; so who knows what branding your wife ‘the best lover ever’ might get her to try.

If the above fails, then think about areas outside the bedroom where you have managed to convince her to trust and try something new. Whatever worked then, might work here.

After saying all this I must tell you that we all have personal boundaries and things that we will simply not do. In the sexual arena, embarrassment, shame and humiliation can be regular visitors if we engage in activities that we consider demeaning. As you are pursuing the sex life of your dreams, you must accommodate the life partner you chose and what will keep your relationship safe for her.

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