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January 21, 2019

She's not a Virgin

Valentine, my girlfriend of six months recently confessed that she is not a virgin and now I want to break up with her. I know that girls never forget their first so I think she is wasting my time. I am very disappointed, what can I do?



Well Solomon, pole sana that you are disappointed and, I imagine, hurt by what might feel like a lie.

Let me point out that the phrase ‘girls never forget their first’ is simply not true. As a former girl, I can tell you that we remember having sex for the first time and the circumstances under which it happened, but we do not necessarily remember the guy with affection or longing. Unless we were in love with the guy and the relationship left a strong emotional impression, the sex alone is not going to do that. So please let go of that notion.

First sex, does not hold some huge intrinsic emotional value in and of itself. Ask many grown women about their first and they will confirm what I am telling you. Now, you might want to break up with your girlfriend because you feel she lied to you and you are entirely entitled to that.

However, I would suggest that you take a closer look at your relationship. Are you having fun? Do you get along and communicate easily? Do you want the same things in life and share similar values? Is she kind to you and does she care about you? What about how you feel about her? If you find that there is a lot of positive value in this relationship, then you might want to ask yourself if you are in anyway responsible for what the other person didn’t tell you. Perhaps you have made it very clear that you will only date and/or marry a virgin? This might have made your girlfriend keep her past to herself.

I am not making excuses for you girlfriend, but relationships are circular – you say or do something, which she then responds to, then you respond and the circle goes on and on. You now have an opportunity to respond by asking her about the first time she had sex, and what it meant to her. You can also discuss the guy and what, if anything, he still means to her. You can share your disappointment at her lying to you and then build from there.

Solomon, it is also important that you ask yourself why virginity matters so much to you. Were you counting on being her first and hoping that that would make you unforgettable in her life? Is this the only way in which you can be unforgettable?

Many women have had fantastic lovers and given them up easily for amazing men who made great boyfriends or husbands. Sex is an important aspect of your relationship but trust me, if you are thinking long term, there are many other ways to become and remain unforgettable.

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