“My husband wants to involve other people in our intimate sessions. He says that it would be a real turn on to see me with someone else, and for him to be with a different woman. I am not on board and it’s tearing our relationship apart. What can I do?”
I am so sorry. You must be feeling so much – anger, inadequacy, sexual rejection, jealousy, confusion, frustration and many other things.
Seeing two women together is a rather commonplacefantasy for a lot of men. A friend called it “a double portion of goodness” – that is two of everything. You are, however, very clear that you are not interested in any of this. An impasse like yours can seem insurmountable. After all neither of you is right nor wrong – you just fall on different sides of a sexual divide.
The fact that you can have these awkward conversations means that your relationship is actually doing better than you think. You’ve both created the kind of marriage where you can communicate your deepest feelings to each other. With this in mind, perhaps you can brainstorm on possible compromises. While intercourse is a clear no for you, is kissing? Are you completely averse to the idea of kissing another man while your husband watches?
Also, have you fully considered the effects of opening your intimate life up to others? Your man might simply be focussed on what will turn him on, but sex breeds other feelings such as jealousy. What if the other man decides he wants you? What if you prefer sex with him to sex with your husband? How will you choose these new bedmates? Would you only try this in a different country so you don’t bump into them at the supermarket?
Discussing the details of executing a fantasy has deterred many people. There is a reason you want to guard your marriage – it has taken a lot to create and maintain it. Let your husband know this, and also hear him out. You might find that you want to do some things, even if it’s not full-on sex.