I have a funny problem. I have a new boyfriend and I really like him. Everything is going well apart from the sex. He is too nice. I like big and strong men who can pick me up and throw me round lakini this guy, it’s like he thinks it’s wrong or something. He is a gentleman even in bed and frankly I find it boring.
Woi Anna! Hahaha!! Your email has really made me laugh. Our poor brothers, we want them to be chivalrous and gentlemanly until we get naked voluntarily then we want a dominant guy who takes what he wants and makes no apologies. Just when he should switch from gentleman to uber-dominant masculine is unclear and it changes from woman to woman. Then there is you, and girl I feel your pain. As a woman you want to be desired. We all want to believe that our guy has never wanted anyone as much he wants us. That our beauty, sexiness, naughtiness and whatever have driven him to new levels of sexual arousal and desire. Gentle touching and soft kisses do not speak the language of desire as fluently. They are a nice beginning, a polite appetizer but not the main meal.
So what to do? This is actually a tough one. You do not want to insult your man, nor do you want to fill his imagination with visuals of you being had in all manner of ways by previous lovers. What you are asking him to do may also seem ‘un-modern’ or ‘un-feminist’ and your guy probably thinks of himself as a modern sophisticate who values and respects women, hence the chivalry and mild sexual solicitation.
I suggest that you:
a) Figure out exactly what you want so that when you do tell him, he will get a clear picture of what he is saying yes or no to. Some women are turned on by rape fantasies, others want to be told what to do, others want dirty talk, and others want to be spanked, or tied up. The list of fantasies is long just be clear what you want.
b) Tell him what you want – so easy to say, now to find the words. The best thing is short and clear sentences – ‘I like it when you tell me what to do in bed’ or something along those lines. Do not criticize him or imply that you are unhappy with your sex life. He might ask why you want this and you will probably have a hard time explaining. You don’t have to have an answer, most fantasies do not make sense outside the bedroom.
Making this transition will be challenging for both of you, and probably more so for your man. He will have to shift from thinking of you as something delicate to a sexual play thing that he cannot break. Be prepared to laugh together as some of your attempts backfire and others succeed. This will be a point of growth in your relationship and you will find a new level of intimacy as you get to know each other better.