A few weeks ago I was having coffee with a girlfriend, and she was dishing about her last sexual encounter. She went out with another girlfriend the previous weekend and literally bumped into a man who has liked her for a while. As they chatted, he talked about all the other times he had met her, and what she had said to him and she was very flattered. He bought her way too many drinks and promised her an amazing breakfast and night. She quickly ditched her friend and followed the tall and handsome one across town to his house.
So what happened next? Poor girl cannot remember a thing. She woke up in the morning, made her way to the bathroom and thought, "Now the real fun begins." But when she got back in the bed the guy had turned his lean and gorgeous back to her and was unresponsive to her touch. He mumbled about there being breakfast in the fridge but all it had was an echo and an old carton of juice. At a loss, she left.
“What? No breakfast? No morning sex?" I asked incredulously. "Nope! And I don’t even remember the night before. Do I have permission to delete him?" As we laughed at this strange behaviour I declared yes, we should all delete sexual encounters that we do not remember and the partners that helped create them.
Later on as I was thinking about this scenario, I remembered another awkward morning after where a friend was shooed out of her date’s apartment because his mother was on her way to his house. When she pointed out that he had promised her breakfast, he put Weetabix in a lunch box and handed it to her at the door. No milk, no sugar, just the Weetabix.
Guys! Please don’t be this guy? Is it that you don’t know what to do to end a one-night stand? Is the sex bad so you don’t want a repeat performance? Regardless, here is how to get rid of your chips funga the morning after:
Wake up about 30 minutes before you want your entertainment to leave and say something along the lines of, "I have to be somewhere." You do not have to get into the details of where somewhere is. Ask if your date needs a cab as you make your way to the kitchen. If they say yes, call the taxi yourself. Make a quick breakfast – toast and eggs are a five-minute affair. Bring the food into the bedroom but do not sit with your date as they eat, instead, get in the shower. By the time you get dressed, your date should be dressed and fed and the cab should be a few minutes away, if not there already. You can then do the niceties of exchanging numbers and saying goodbye with a quick kiss and hug at the door.
If you find initiating the walk of shame awkward and embarrassing, you are not alone – prostitutes joke that they aren’t paid for sex, they are paid to leave. Sharing this intimate act and then kicking someone out can leave you feeling like a jerk. This way you feed them, get them out and everyone feels respected.