So I know this guy. He is smart, hilarious, hardworking and successful. The kind of guy you take home to mum and she says well done. As you can imagine, I am not the only woman who has spotted this about him and this is where his problems begin.
The guy is attractive but not Taye Diggs hot. He likes light skinned sexy women who can carry on a decent conversation over a meal, but he is clear that he does not want a relationship.
Almost invariably, he will meet a chick and they will start having a great time together in bed and out. At some point, the chick will ask him where things are going and he will panic.
He will either avoid the conversation or be so nice and polite as he deals with it that the woman is left unclear as to what is going on. One of two things then happens (a) they go on as they were, the woman believing that she has a boyfriend; or (b) she figures out that they want different things and she dumps him feeling hurt and misled.
The last time this guy happened to be navigating his murky way through this conversation, we were having drinks and the drama was unfolding on WhatsApp.
He seemed to think that telling a woman, whom he had seen naked, that he did not want to be exclusive with her had ruinous potential. Guys, this assumption annoys me because guess what? We can handle it.
Also, just because we ask what is going on does not mean we want to marry you or date you. There are many diseases out there and asking if you are seeing other people does not make us lovelorn, it simply means we are sexually responsible adults.
The feminist movement, the economic empowerment of women and scientific advancements like contraception have all joined together to allow women a form of sexual expression that does not bear the same dire social and economic consequences that it did just seventy years ago. To put it crassly, we can screw for sport!
The days when smart women had to extract lifelong commitment from a man before they engaged in sexual congress are over. We can have sex with men to fulfill fantasies.
Never had a 55-year-old banker, or a white man? What about the dreadlocked artist with a piercing? We can now have sex with men because they are bald, skinny, beautifully tattooed or an athlete and we do not have to keep them.
When men pretend that every woman they have shared orgasms with wants them for life, they are being presumptuous and rude. Back to the guy in the bar.
I suggested that he say, "I really like what we have going on and I would like it to continue but I do not want to be in a relationship. If you would like to date other people you can."
I will admit that creating sexual relationships that do not fit the traditional mode is somewhat modern and it can be tricky. That said, honesty and respect are paramount in all sexual dynamics.
Women will resent any man who got into their pants under false pretenses. And the honest guy? The one who respected us and treated us like adults? We will remember him fondly and recommend him highly to horny friends.