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November 21, 2018

Let's brace ourselves for the Kenyan Terror Cup

The biggest story trending in Kenya this week has been the terrorist madness that rocked Lamu county on Monday night. Nairobians have been closely following the happenings at the Coast in utter horror.

The deaths and destruction left behind by terrorists are some of the worst experienced in the country in the recent times. There is not much a person lining up to board a matatu to Umoja estate can do to solve the problem; the worst of its kind in Kenya this year.

From the look of things, even leaders holding powerful offices in the government seem to have serious difficulties in tackling security issues, so perhaps a different way of doing things is needed.

Democracy, capitalism, communism or African socialism don't seem to be working for the vast majority of Kenyans in dire need of help. Why not try looking abroad for solutions.

Let's look at the biggest global sporting tournament; the World Cup run by FIFA. With billions of people worldwide following the matches in Brazil, I must say they are doing a pretty good job.

Perhaps we need to borrow a leaf in dealing with our matters of national importance. It might seem weird to make such a suggestion but the truth is whatever we are doing isn't working. I mean, it can't be as bad as what we are going through right now as a country.


Before the Terror Cup-Qualifying

People who have expressed major concerns with Kenya's leadership need to be given an option of bidding for the “official threat” of the year tender. This would be a very cost-effective method of choosing the people who will terrorize Kenyans effectively over a given period of time.

You can expect to see some of the most deadly organisations on the planet converging at security offices to collect bidding documents, and be there to witness the tender opening session.

The winners of the tender would be the fellows with capacity to unleash most terror at the least cost. But to qualify, the bidders would have to prove their terror activities would be the most difficult for the government to sort out.

This is because with the government knowing it will do nothing to stop terrorism, it might as well find it even more difficult to tackle acts perpetrated by a Kenyan via a Smartphone and Twitter. 


During the Terror Cup

With the Terror Cup well underway, there shall be only one group in the tournament - The Group of Death. The teams will have qualified after playing four emergency games that Kenyans can take at a go.

They will include the gang, the disease, the social irrelevance and the political qualifiers. As the tournament of terror commences, the four qualifying teams will be pitted against one another concurrently to ensure competitors do not collude to get publicity.

So, on any given day you can expect to watch on our TV screens all these 'terrors' competing for our attention. In the Terror Cup, you will, for instance, be inundated with news on all fronts as: a) Socialite with the largest bum dominates social media b) Cancer suddenly becomes the most important killer according to upwardly mobile Kenyans after HIV-Aids c) An opposition politician decides to declare Fathers Day a national holiday, and d) Al Shabaab declares war on 'nation's innocents'.

With so much terror being meted out to poor Nairobi folks, they will suddenly realise that their own lives aren't as horrible as they think. There are of course some rules to follow to ensure the Terror Tournament goes on without a glitch. We shall use same technologies as the ones at the FIFA World Cup 2014. They include:

1)    No crossing of the red line

The qualifiers are banned from exceeding the number of people they 'tendered for', also known as 'crossing the red line'. To ensure this doesn't happen, the referees, who will be senior government officials, will be given the 'magic spray', that is, a space on the tournament area, and no one will be allowed to go beyond it.

2)    Goal Line technology

Many security cameras are being installed in major cities in the country to enhance safety. The cameras, just like those at the tournament in Brazil, will ensure all goals have been achieved. They will be useful in telling thieves and murderers to run and hide – an effective public relations stunt.


Venue review

Beams Arcade, Mfangano Street 

You know how you find yourself in town and you decide to have a drink to wait for the traffic to die down before heading home? That happened to me last Monday. I was in Downtown Nairobi just after leaving the office and the traffic was horrible.

So, I decided to have a beer and pass time as I fiddled on my cellphone as most people do in such occasions. The pub I picked is Beams Arcade on Mfangano Street off Ronald Ngala Street not far from the bus stage in the Central Business District where matatus number 6 plying to Eastleigh estate are stationed.

As soon as I walked into the pub, the first put-off I encountered was having to go up a flight of stairs as the bar is on the first floor. This is not good for the physically challenged who use wheelchairs and want to have a cold beer like the rest of us.

Its entrance had a wooden door curtain that I had to part to enter just like in the old western movies. The pub was dark and had two major sections; to the right  was a smaller restaurant where you could have a drink.

To the left was the main bar where majority of punters were drinking. The crowd in here looked decidedly male and many looked a lot like me; on a mission to have a cold drink as they waited for the traffic to die down.

I sat in a corner and ordered a cold Tusker retailing at Sh150. This is a fair price for a cold beer in Nairobi. The drink was brought to my table by an attractive young woman in black trousers and orange blouse, (with the poor lighting, I hope I got it right) who was extremely courteous.

In one of the corners, which curiously had no counters like you would typically expect in a bar in Nairobi, was a booth with reggae posters mounted on the wall and a DJ playing soothing rumba music that you would typically listen to in some of the more old-school places.

The music was on point for the revellers as they seemed to be enjoying it.


A quick recap of the venue:


Reasonably priced drinks, great service, TV for sports fans, clean washrooms.


Unfriendly to the physically challenged, no clear emergency exits, no toilet seats in ladies washrooms 

My verdict

Ideal for meetings

Poll of the day