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November 21, 2018

It's too big, it's too wide...it won't fit

Hi Valentine,

 

My cousin has been requesting that we make love but I have refused. She keeps frequenting my house and she claims to be much in love. What can I do Valentine?

 

Solomon

 How terrible for you Solomon. There are jokes in a lot of our tribal languages about cousins and relatives having sex but I think most of us are disgusted by the prospect and view it as taboo. Nature has gone to great lengths to hinder pregnancies from the same gene pool because the more varied your genetic make-up the better your chances of survival and reproduction. Incest also seems to be the universal taboo in most human cultures, right up there with cannibalism. What I am trying to say Solomon is I completely understand your feelings and so does most of humanity. Your cousin is in the minority.

 Dealing with this situation is delicate as there are other relationships to consider; it’s not just you and your horny cousin. You might be close to her siblings and parents, she may be close to yours and you will definitely see her at family functions and events. Your children will someday call her aunty and you will have to orchestrate their interactions very carefully because well, she is not offended by perverse sexual behaviour.

 You do not have to be nice Solomon. You do not have to be polite. You can bar this woman from coming to your house and let her know that just like her sexual advances, she is unequivocally unwelcome. The rejection of sexual advances is easier for women than men, because we have years of experience but please practice until you get it right. Do not think about her feelings, think about your own and feel free to call her disgusting. Pole sana and please let me know how it goes.

 

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I have a large and long penis. How do I reduce the size because the ladies even fear it? Valentine, please help?

 

Hello there Mr Long Shlong or is it hung like a horse? I almost ignored your question because I thought ‘what if he really has a problem?’ and isn’t merely showing off? So here we go.

 Not to burst your bubble but women say half-true things about men’s penises: ‘it’s too big… it’s too wide… it won’t fit… it’s too much…’ Beyonce makes millions singing that. So please take these women’s comments with the proverbial grain of salt. And no, you cannot reduce the size of your penis.

 If your penis is longer than a 1000 bob note and has a circumference of five inches or more, honey you do have a big penis. The good news is that women’s vaginas expand when we are sexually aroused. They grow in length and width so that one day we can hold a tampon in place and another we can have your penis in there and on yet another day, a baby’s head can pass through the vagina. Lovely, malleable things vaginas, so tell your lady friends to relax.

 You should become an expert at foreplay so that your partner is so aroused and lubricated that your penis will not be a threat. Oral sex is your friend, as are your fingers. If you can make sure that your partner has an orgasm before penetration, all the better. Also, you should have some lubricant handy.

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