Hi Valentine, I am a regular reader of your column. Thank you for your help. I have a worrying problem, which is threatening my marriage. I can't sustain an erection, and if ever I do erect, I ejaculate as soon as I penetrate my wife. This happens in less than two minutes. I am unable to meet my wife's sexual needs. Kindly help me before my marriage hits the rocks?
S K I am so sorry. What you describe sounds like a version of hell – the shame and humiliation of having your body let you and your wife down at a very critical time again and again is horrible and I understand why you are afraid to lose your marriage.
Before we get to your plumbing and the issues there, let me point out that you can bring give your wife pleasure and bring her to orgasm without using your penis.
You have hands and lips and a tongue and they are sexual tools. Touching and kissing your wife’s body will arouse her and through oral sex and penetrating her with your fingers, she can achieve orgasm.
In the course of most marriages, couples realise that intercourse is only one road to orgasm and there are others. Try them S.K, it will ease the pressure you are putting on yourself regarding your erection.
And now to your erection, there are two things happening: impotence (failure to erect) and premature ejaculation. The fact that you have occasional erections tells me that your plumbing works so the issue is psychological not physical.
The premature ejaculation may stem from the psychological block you seem to have to your erection, and be compounded by the sensation of actually being inside your wife and not having learnt to control your ejaculation. Give your wife this article and ask her to try this with you:
Try masturbating first – mutual masturbation with your partner so that you both have orgasms before you attempt intercourse will add a new element to your love making and relax you both as you realise that intercourse is not the only ‘valid’ form of sex.
Also most men report that they can control their excitement a lot better after that first ejaculation. Breathe and relax – S K once you have an erection, just relax with it.
Because you do not get them all the time, you may feel pressure to make good use of each erection so you don’t waste it, but that may be torturing you further.
It is an erection and you will continue to have them.If you do decide to have sex, pause and take a few deep breathes when you feel that you are getting too excited. Thinking of a non-sexual image will help you to calm down.
Start & Stop – just at it sounds, start having intercourse and stop when you are about to ejaculate. This may frustrate your partner but slowly, you will learn to better control your ejaculation.