Siting with a good friend a few months ago, I noticed that a string of messages that she had received on her phone had upset her. When I asked what was going on, she showed me some pornographic pictures and even a video of a guy with a chicken.
I was stunned silent! After a few minutes I asked who they were from and she told me a male friend of hers had recently taken to sending her these images in an attempt to veer their relationship in a sexual direction. Hmmm…. how weird.
Another friend has a male friend she has known for about 20 years. The guy lives abroad and they 'WhatsApp' frequently. She is single and it’s a long running joke between them that when he gets back to Kenya they will get married.
Recently, he declared that he was not joking and that he will be home soon and would really like to pursue a relationship. She said they would talk when he got back, and he has taken this to mean ‘yes’.
Since then he has injected graphic sexual jokes into their communication, sending her images of female body parts. Hmmm… how weird. Guys, this is not on. This is not how to get in a woman’s good books… or sexy books for that matter.
Perhaps you are not aware of this but that pornography that you find so entertaining is made for you. Those naked writhing women? All for you, the heterosexual man. The heaving bosoms, exposed butts? All for you.
A lot of women find pornography borderline disgusting and almost all of us agree that it is demeaning to us. To simply dump it into a platonic relationship is weird.
Many women experience unwelcome sexual contact as disgusting. It is why we think of promiscuous women as bizarre. A kiss from a man we like is sexy, intimate and a turn on. A kiss from a random stranger in a matatu might make us throw up.
When a man sends pornography to a female friend it is jarring to her. Is it a suggestion of things to come? Is it a hint at what he likes? Is it a request?
I think before you send that graphic picture you have to ask yourself what your end game is. How do you want the woman on the receiving end of your message to feel? Do you want her to like you more? Do you want her to think of you as sexy? Do you want to get closer to her?
If you answered yes to all three questions, try asking that woman thoughtful questions instead of sending porn. Save the pornography and the dirty jokes for your boys.
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the way to a woman’s heart is through your ears. Just listen. Let her talk… and talk… and talk. She will feel seen, heard, valued and understood.