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February 16, 2019

My first time was a flop

Hey Val
I just had sex for the first time and to be honest, the experience has crushed my self-esteem.  I just hated sex. What actually brought all this on is when I asked my girlfriend how our love making was … wah! She just felt nothing! But all in all she understood because it is our first time.  Please help?


OUCH!!! She told you she felt nothing?!  I feel for you John that is some painful stuff to hear, especially after all the build-up of ‘sex for the first time’.  Pole sana.

I love that you are writing to me and that you clearly want to improve your game between the sheets. I also like that you have a sense of humour and that you are not taking sex or yourself too seriously in all this. That attitude and your curiosity is the beginning of a fantastic sex life.

So what to do?  Well for one thing, you are creating this sex life with your girlfriend and it sounds like she was a spectator as opposed to a willing and enthusiastic participant.  It is not clear what you were both expecting, but you were both underwhelmed; and her more so than you.

Here are some skills that every lover worth his condom should have under his belt:

1.       Kissing – start by gently kissing her lips and then slowly get more and more involved by sucking her lips.  Take your time here and suck each lip.  When she opens her mouth to let your tongue in, go in very slowly… as if you were a thief and not the proud owner of the house.  You could also nibble her lips and tongue playfully.

2.       Touch – as your kissing deepens, run your hands slowly over your woman’s body.  Notice what makes her moan or lean into you more and keep doing that.  After a few minutes you can go for the more obvious erogenous zones like her breasts, her butt, her inner thighs and of course her vulva [ideally you should save this for last].

You could also take her hands and show her where you want to be touched.  Good girls are told that they should not touch men so your girlfriend may need permission and encouragement.

3.       Talk – not everyone likes this, but ask her how it feels, and tell her how you feel.  Ask her if there is a part of her that she would love for you to touch or kiss.

4.       Bite – your teeth can be a source of pain but also a huge source of pleasure, the trick is to find the right pressure.  Start with nibbling and slowly increase the pressure to biting.  You must pay keen attention to how her body responds so that you don’t cause too much pain… a little might be alright.

5.       Cunnilingus – I don’t know how adventurous you are but this is almost a sure way to orgasm for most women, even when the guy is not that great at it.  Treat the lips of her vulva, as you would the lips of her mouth, and that hard button that your tongue is going to find?  Treat that as you would her tongue and see what happens.  Every woman’s body is different and we respond to different pressures so just get down there and pay attention to how her body responds.  Oral sex takes some getting used to but most men report that it soon becomes one of their favourite things to do in bed because they are very doing something for their partner and the positive feedback is almost instantaneous.

This is a very basic break down of what to do.  I have covered erogenous zones in more detail in the past  and you can search for those articles at .  Congratulations on the beginning of your sex life John, I wish you lots of orgasms and pleasure.

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