TURBULENT TWENTIES

I want to fly and be an influencer like Azziad

No one is employing me even after I stopped drinking Keg

In Summary

• Holidaying in shaggz gives time for reflection on New Year's resolutions

Young tweeps are pushing the envelope to get followers
Young tweeps are pushing the envelope to get followers
Image: PXFUEL

Well, this week, I have nothing much to tell you on this third-rate Gen Z column. Okay, maybe I do, but given that Kenya Power is yet to grace our village with its holy grail, I would rather be brief lest this laptop decide it is a born-tao and boycott further village activities forthwith.

About two weeks ago, I Iost my job courtesy of a tipple that I will never taste again, but you already know that. What you do not know, however, is how much surprised everyone was when I showed up in shaggz on Christmas Eve. They were not expecting me, and quite frankly, if I hadn’t lost my job, I wouldn’t have expected myself at shaggz this festive season either.

Who travels thousands of miles to the village when he has enough coins to do some fun ‘stuff’ in the city anyway? Certainly not me.

But I am here in this village that sits right in the middle of the thighs of two hills. Besides the few questioning and disappointed glances from my nephews and nieces, when I walked in on 24th, hands as empty as my pockets, everyone else seems pretty much excited with my presence here. It is a festive season after all, and judging from the ongoing holocaust of flightless birds in this village, Jesus must have been born on one of these hills.

Min Jii (my mother) even hugged me when I arrived. Min Jii doesn’t hug people just anyhow. She snorts at people, looks them up and down, offers a limp handshake and asks them why they are fat or thin, but rarely hugs people. Well, she hugged me, even whispered, “Choka, I’m glad you are home.” And not the usual, “When are you graduating?”

I bet she is going to throw one kickass party when she learns I have lost my job. “Good. Now focus on getting your computer science degree,” she will probably say. But I am not prepared to give her the satisfaction of that knowledge. Not yet, at least. For now, I am going to lay down low, re-strategise, you know.

Re-strategise. Set New Year’s resolutions. Including: One, getting the degree for Min Jii. Two, slapping my cousin Dorry because she has been daring me to slap her with her constant posturing and ridiculous grandiose ever since she got her stupid degree in animal husbandry.

“I’m one of the few people in this family who has a degree,” she says every time Min Jii is within earshot. So, my second New Year’s resolution, slap Cousin Dorry.

Third, post more on Instagram. You guys need to follow me on IG, by the way. I have lit content, I swear. Mahn, I want to be a social media influencer, like Magunga, you know. It is already pretty clear to me that this employment thing may not be my own. I even stopped drinking Keg, and yet still, no one is quite keen on employing me.

The other day, just before I travelled home, a prospective employer at a top advertising agency in the country called me for a job I’d applied for. Mahn, my heart was beating in my eyes over the excitement until he said, “So here in your CV, it’s indicated that you are 23 years old, is that correct?”

I said, “Yes, I am 23, turning 24 next year (2022), January.”

“Sorry, but we are looking for someone a bit older,” he replied and hung up before I could tell him to check my portfolio and see just how talented I am.

So, it is decided. This New Year, I am going to be a social media influencer. I hear they are paying Azziad millions to influence thongs on IG. What does Azziad have that I don’t, really? Beside a nice ass and pretty face.

Not that I want to influence thongs or any of that. I am thinking of cooler things in the line of Atwoli-aged whiskeys, or some 5-star restaurant where I can eat for free. Hell, I will even take these lame local airplanes as long as they can fly me around because this year, I must step inside a plane. If for nothing else but to tell Min Jii I stepped inside a plane without a degree.

For my fourth New Year’s resolution… Well, I haven’t figured that out quite yet. Will do as the year progresses.

Otherwise, happy New Year from my village to yours.

UAP Old Mutual Headquarters Upperhill lights up new year fireworks exhibition seen from KCB Towers rooftop.
UAP Old Mutual Headquarters Upperhill lights up new year fireworks exhibition seen from KCB Towers rooftop.
Image: WILFRED NYANGARESI