Some Kilifi men are abandoning their marriages to live with 'mpango wa kandos', leaving their spouses with the burden of rearing the children.
A spot check inside some homes found women who have been suffering in silence for a long time.
The men normally abandon their wives and children at home and spend years in Mombasa or other Coastal towns with other women.
Saumu Sultan, who was born in Rabai and married in Mwabayanyundo Kaloleni, says she has been through hell as her husband decided to abandon her and go for another woman without her knowledge.
Sultan reached a point of almost quitting the marriage but luckily, she was saved by a fellow woman who took her to a gender-based violence training conducted by the Centre For Rights Education and Awareness Kenya (Creaw Kenya).
Little did she know that the training would change her perception of life and even that of her husband.
She was taken through training on GBV, which saved her marriage. At one point, she asked her husband to join one of the forums. It completely changed him and he began loving her afresh.
"My husband said when he married me I was clean but now I had become dirty, my clothes were not clean. And I wondered, how can one change clothes three times per day in order to please him?" she says.
'NO LONGER BEAUTIFUL'
The problem began after her mother-in-law began interfering with their marriage, she says.
Sultan had been living a lonely life for years, not enjoying her conjugal rights because her husband was claiming the wife was no longer beautiful and clean.
"My husband came and apologised and promised to return home as he was not staying with me at home. Normally he would eat supper then go sleep in his son's house," she said.
The husband said in one of the trainings that he saw his wife as dirty and no longer attractive like before, which forced him to look for another woman outside.
Sultan says during one of the Idd celebrations, they were supposed to go to the mosque for celebrations.
By then, her husband was working as a mason in Malindi and used to visit home over the weekends, but it reached a time he could skip up to three weekends.
Little did she know that he had gotten a mpango wa kando and moved in with her in Malindi.
All hell broke loose during the Idd celebrations, when a neighbour told her the husband had married another woman and taken her to the mother's home, which is not very far from where they lived.
"That broke my heart. I did not go for the Idd celebrations and I left home and hid at my friend's place. He looked for me all over and could not find me," she says.
In the evening, she returned home angry, picked a knife and told her husband she was going to kill their unborn baby due to his behaviour.
She made sure her husband did not celebrate Idd, too, and always walked with the knife with the aim of killing the child.
It was painful for her.
From that day, there was no peace in the house and her husband began staying three days with his new wife and the other three days at her son's house.
My husband was very open to me. He used to say if you feel you are suffering, just go back to your home, look for another man, there are many men out there and you can get one of your choice to enjoy
'LEAVE IF YOU WANT'
Teresia Nyevu has endured similar humiliation from her husband, who left her for another woman in Mombasa town. Nyevu is a mother of five children and 14 grandchildren.
Nyevu says had it not been for resilience, she would have ended her marriage. Despite open infidelity, she chose to remain with the children at home in the absence of her man.
"My husband was very open to me. He used to say if you feel you are suffering, just go back to your home, look for another man, there are many men out there and you can get one of your choice to enjoy," she said.
She asked him to take her back home if he was fed up with her because she could not abandon the children.
Nyevu says she was aware her husband had resettled with another woman in Mombasa but could not leave until her children grew up to be adults.
As she went through the tough times, Martha Septemba from Creaw came to her aid and began counselling sessions.
She asked her to attend GBV training so as to move away from the trouble.
Nyevu learnt that there was an organisation that could train them and advise them on how to handle cases of GBV so as to move forward.
To her, the injustices against women are partly due to the local culture, where women are viewed as weaker beings and are left behind in everything.
"I have five girls and it reached a point my husband was worried as to who will inherit his property because he wanted a son. That one itself is gender-based violence," she said.
"As women in the Giriama community, it is challenging particularly when you give birth to girls only. The society feels you have not given birth."
Her lastborn came in 1993. She has learned many things from the family and refused to get married so as to support her mother, Nyevu said.
We have trained them on soap making and applying for loans to open small businesses like selling sukuma wiki, tomatoes. And now they are strong enough to take their children to school
CHANGING THE NARRATIVE
Kaloleni Young Mothers member Martha Septemba, who also got training from Creaw, says they found out that some men were abandoning their wives for other women who are cleaner instead of financing their wives to buy those necessities.
Septemba says some women are also to blame because they fail to take care of their hygiene and ensure their homes are tidy.
Most youth who marry underage girls also run away from responsibilities because they feel it was not their choice of marriage, and they end up abandoning their wives at home, leaving them to suffer.
The training enlightens single mothers that there is a way they can still stand strong and change their lives for the better.
In their groups, some women are single mothers, but through the training, they realise their potential and form groups to apply for loans from the government.
"We have trained them on soap making and applying for loans to open small businesses like selling sukuma wiki, tomatoes. And now they are strong. Some women are educating their children in school because their husbands abandoned their duties," she says.
Before the programme, some women would feel heartbroken by their men when dumped, but now they have learned to survive with or without them taking responsibility.
With such awareness and empowering of women, it is easier for them to move on with their lives even in the middle of the pains caused by their husbands.
