• What people don't share about marriage is the difficult side of it
I have made the discovery.
Just like hundreds of women before me made the discovery. A secret so well kept and so beautifully wrapped in the shiny goodness of romance and fantasy…
Marriage is work! Marriage is hard work and it is not for the faint of heart.
Growing up, I was surrounded by people who got divorced. Divorce is so rampant in my part of the world that I thought it was the norm. Up until my mid-twenties, I really believed that first marriages didn't work. That they were some sort of life lesson for people to learn so they can do better in their second marriages.
Up until five years ago, I was the cool aunt who defied every single rule in the culture book. I travelled the world alone, I studied as much as I wanted and lived on my own for the better part of a decade. In short, I spent most of my twenties and early thirties living solely for myself. Alas, here I am, about to kick the youth bracket away, married and with a kid.
I called my mother very randomly one afternoon, I don’t know what made me say it but I just blurted out in anger, “Why didn't you tell me marriage was just one long dishwashing session!” I have no idea what made me say that, it was perhaps that for the umpteenth time that day I had done several rounds of dishwashing. But perhaps it was my frustration at the system.
The fact remains that nobody tells you the real story of life after marriage. Everyone builds the facade of a love story and two people who love each other living under the same roof. It sounds good when you think of living with the person you dated before marriage.
Dreaming of drowning in their love and affection in the comfort of your own home. Ah! The dream home. Most of us dream of having our own homes because we have heard the statement “You can do that in your own home” so many times growing up.
We dream of the days we can have our own homes to decorate as we please and do as we like as the roles have reversed. We are the rule makers now. No more hearing our father’s bellow, “You live under my house, you live under my rules!” The blessing that it is to be married and living on your own terms.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
What you do not know is that the realness of being married sets in when you are the controller of your own home. In that beautiful dream home, you are a partner, a wife, a mother, a cleaner, a cook, a medic, a caregiver, a provider… In fact, you are so many facets of yourself except the self you walked into the marriage as. The person you were will slowly fade away as they morph into a version of the woman you knew growing up. The woman who did it all, the face of the home we have always known, the lady of the house.
So there you have it, ladies, marriage is not easy. It is not a never-ending date with your loved one. In fact, you would be lucky to go on a date.
Marriage is work. It takes both people to work on the marriage to make it go the distance. For those who are lucky enough to be married to sensible partners who want to work together as a unit, it makes things a little easier.
Marriage is a journey that will make or break you. It is a beautiful journey to share with the right person who will make the adventures worthwhile. But don't let the happily married couples you know fool you into believing it is an easy task. If you are not prepared to put in the work, it is probably not for you.