Confidential letter to the governor

Confidential letter to the governor
Confidential letter to the governor

Governor Maliza Umma,

Walafi County.

Re: Opportunity with the El Nino rains

I hope this letter finds you well. It comes to you after you convened a cabinet meeting last week to find a way to ensure Walafi county gets some headway in the national news media. This would ensure you, the governor, have a chance at getting a second term.

After many meetings the team has come to the following conclusion; our county is not doing the right things to get us in the national memory. While we have done well ensuring many of our targets are met, many of your voters don’t seem to think enough has been done.

Our modest achievements aren’t competing favourably with the other counties, some who are known for building bridges, hospitals, schools and the likes.

Our negative stories are not worthy of even registering a blip on the national agenda. Our structured and well-thought-out theft of resources with only a 10 per cent margin means we are under the radar of corruption busters, the darlings of the media.

In one county, wheelbarrows bought for Sh100,000 provided fodder for national news cycles. In another, there was a gate constructed at more than Sh8 million.

One opened a Facebook page for more than Sh1 million while in another county curtains were bought for several millions of shillings. Our stealing cannot compare even close to this show of what the Kenyan twitter users call #DevolvedCorruption.

Our positive achievements will always be ignored by the media anyway so we recommend that we court their attention in the only language they understand; by going rogue.

We suggest that we change the motto of the county henceforth from “Walafi County: the country’s breadbasket” to “Walafi County: The county of eating.” This new name will quickly gain national notoriety as the media will come in hordes to see what we are eating. We will not disappoint.

The big story in the media right now that we can quickly take advantage of has to be the El Nino floods set to hammer our nation in the very near future. The floods are already being felt in West Africa. This is an opportune time to strike while the iron is still hot.

We shall send several delegations with at least a hundred members each around the world. One of the lowest ranking officers in your team will be issued a first-class ticket to West Africa to observe the flooding and be expected to give a report to the county about how possibly bad it can get.

Apart from the usual first-class tickets and per diems, they will be given hefty hardship allowances to cushion them from getting more lucrative trips.

The senior ones will be shipped off to Brazil where they can observe how a middle income country can deal with such problems as flooding of large rivers like the River Amazon.

We shall be paying for their first-class tickets and hotel suites at the Copacabana Beach in Rio De Janeiro, where they will be meeting consultants who will advise them.

The last and most senior team will be sent to the USA, again on the first class of the most expensive airline. That team will give a report on how it looks when water has been contained in an area using a large wall after visiting the Niagara Falls, one of the most famous dams in the world.

With the reports having been submitted and quickly approved by the county assembly, who were part of the delegation, we shall get into the second phase of the plan.

We shall acquire different types of gadgets to help us cope with the unfavourable weather condition at unreasonably high costs. The higher the cost, the more likely we are to get national attention.

Some of these gadgets will be umbrellas, which are specially designed to deal with the El Nino conditions with their platinum anti-lightning casing that will retail at only Sh100,000.

If these umbrellas don’t get us the attention we so badly seek we shall quickly make an order for mosquito nets to be distributed to county hospitals. These nets, which retail only at Sh100,000 each, we will very easily to go viral.

We will not only repulse mosquitos, but also flood waters that come into the buildings.

With these moves you can be sure there shall be a flood of reporters to our much-ignored county. You, as the governor, shall quickly move to “cancel” tenders that had irregularly been given and order investigations into the underhand dealings. As a hero you can be assured of a return to office as governor in the next term.

Yours respectfully,

Jack Mkenya,

Director of Communication,

Walafi county

Venue Review: Triple D Restaurant, Off Baricho Road

I first encountered the Tripled D restaurant a few Thursdays ago when I was headed to Choices restaurant, which is famous for its live music events.

Around the corner of that icon pub I saw a few people going and when I followed thinking the worst I noted they were going to this place to have a drink.

The Triple D restaurant is a pretty new place from what I could see, with two levels of enjoyment available to revellers. This venue is not friendly for those in wheelchairs, even at the ground floor level, as there are no ramps.

Of the two floors the first one was the less-elaborate with tables, which was surrounded by beige plastic chairs, which are not good for those who might be healthy of weight.

The lighting fixtures were pleasing to the eye and were those you see in some of the more fancy places in town.

I walked up the very steep stairs and settled at the counter to the left of the stairs and ordered myself a cold Tusker, which to my delight was retailing at Sh170. I liked this place much more already as these prices are closer to what I am happy to part with to pay for a drink.

As I enjoyed my drink I looked around and noted there was a room hived off to my right. It had one solitary, where there were a few gentlemen playing on a pool table.

It’s not every day you see this gadget, which has been relegated to specialist bars, but there it was for the audience. The audience at this place was a distinctly male one, with folks who looked like professionals in their 20s to 40s being the main bulk.

There were TVs overhead which allowed for people to watch their favourite football sides, European not Kenyan as the league has gone to Gor, in crystal clear vision.

A quick recap of the venue:

Good: Decent décor, great service, clean washrooms, a pool table and TVs for the sport-mad, reasonably-priced drinks.

Bad: Disability unfriendly, emergency exits lacking.

My verdict: It’s really small but this is a place you can have a drink with pals quietly away from the Nairobi crowds.

Twitter: @jamesmurua