• Circumstances conspire to get Sgt Makini and his female colleague intimate
Every family has that cousin: flashy, smooth and gifted with the ladies. In his trail might be some baby mamas calling him a deadbeat dad, but the moment he meets one, she make him more babies.
In my family, it’s Jaymo. Me? I’m only the country bumpkin wondering what brand of witchcraft he employs. Don’t get me wrong. Quite a few girls have submitted to me, but that’s usually because they’re lawbreakers and I have a gun and handcuffs. So, when circumstances land a bombshell like Sophia on my lap, I thank Loki, Artemis and other gods I didn’t know existed.
After attending Kimondo the rapist’s first hearing in Kericho, my sister catches the last bus to Nakuru. Sophia and I can’t even hitch a horse and buggy to Jiji Ndogo. What’s worse, Gor Mahia is in town, playing Zoo Kericho FC. Thousands of fans have booked almost all the hotel rooms, apart from one in an obscure inn along Kericho-Kapsurer Road.
“We need two rooms,” says Sophia.
“Mocha tu nabagi,” says the manager. “Wagati iko mbira, watu nachaa.”
“I don’t mind,” I say, an idiotic grin on my face.
“You wouldn’t, would you?” Sophia turns to the innkeeper. “Can we get an extra mattress?”
Being a gentleman, I let Sophia have the bed, right? Wrong! She takes it forcefully, relegating me to the floor. The mattress is so thin I can feel every joint in the tiles, the blanket so thin I can watch the television through it. As if matters couldn’t get any worse, guess what is playing on television? Mating Season in The Serengeti. Oafish wildebeests getting luckier than me.
At first I’m thinking, maybe I shouldn’t have thanked Artemis. You see, Artemis is the Greek goddess of wild animals, the hunt, vegetation, childbirth and chastity! If anyone could keep my luck at bay, she could with all that no-sex-before-marriage nonsense. Then in a wild twist fit for a Hollywood romcom, Artemis comes through big time.
I’ve nodded off, having given up on miracles. I dream of a boy wildebeest called Jaymo giving me mating pointers.
“Have you smelled her urine?” he asks. “It’s all in the scent, dude. If she ain’t in heat, not even Casanova can break through.”
“Humans don’t sniff women’s urine, dude.”
“And you call yourselves an intelligent species?” Jaymo the wildebeest laughs so hard I take offence. He taps my shoulder. “See that filly over there? She’ll be my sixth lay today.”
He shakes my shoulder again. I open my eyes.
Sophia’s face is hovering above me. “I can’t sleep.”
“Well, I can, and you just interrupted a very interesting gnu.”
“What’s an interesting new?”
“Never mind. Something wrong with your bed?”
She gets under the blanket with me. “Yes, it bites.”
“You think the floor is better? I have mosaic imprints on my butt!”
“I mean, it really bites. Bedbugs.”
Damn! Sophia’s almost-naked body is pressed hard against mine. Last time anything like this happened…
For once, Makini, be a man and…
Sophia puts a hand around my waist. “Okay, we will do this once, only because it’s cold, but if I ever hear a word…”
I flip over, in my head, thoughts that would make a priest at the confessional go mad. We caress, kiss… then my phone rings.
“Forget it.” I lock my lips to Sophia’s.
She disengages. “Maybe it’s important.”
“More important than this? Hell, no!”
She hands me the phone. “It’s the boss.”
I answer it, shake my head as I turn to Sophia. “Mrs Tembo just passed away.”