JIJI NDOGO POLICE POST

Welcome to a bachelor’s crib

Having had only three girlfriends and no sex, Sgt Makini is ill at ease

In Summary

• Falsely accused of impregnating chief's daughter, Sgt Makini is forced to host her

Sgt Makini's house shocks his guest
Sgt Makini's house shocks his guest
Image: DAVID MUCHAI

Forced to take Millicent home with me, the minute I open the door, I know I have my work cut out for me.

“This is it?” she asks, sneering.

“I warned you.”

 

“I expected Kariobangi. This is Mathare.”

I pick up a sufuria from the floor. Place it on the table in the kitchen area.

“You can always go back home, you know.”

She walks around like Cleopatra inspecting a new acquisition that has turned out less than her generals had described it.

“One sufuria, one plate, two cups?”

“I guess we'll have to do lots of drinking before I take the other cup back. It belongs to the inspector, you know.”

“How can someone live like this?”

 

My Kalvin Klan underwear gets stuck on her shoe. Yes, it says Klan on the band. Never buying anything in Githurai at night again. She tries to shake it off. I grab it, stash it under the blanket.

“Eew! What was that?”

“I hope you ate before. I have no food here.”

“Of course, you don’t. You live like a hermit!”

“Hey!” I’m beginning to lose my patience. “My house, my style! You can have the bed — I mean the mattress.”

“And what are you gonna do, sleep on the dirt floor?”

“I'll find a way.”

“We can share the bed. I don’t bite.”

“But I… I…”

“I know. You’ve never slept with a woman before.”

“I have, too! When… I was little.”

Millicent laughs. Derisively.

“Your sister? That doesn’t count.” She fetches a nightdress from her suitcase.

“What are you doing?” I’m panicking. My heart is running a mile a minute.

“What do you think? I’m changing for bed. Turn around.”

At 25, I can count all the women I’ve dated on one hand, and still leave two fingers free. One in high school. Long distance. Later I realised she had six other boyfriends like me who sent her pocket money.

The second, a nice church girl in Nairobi. Thought we were still dating when she got married to the praise and worship leader.

The last was in Nakuru. Beautiful police woman. After two years together, she came to my place one evening, said she was tired of waiting for me to make the first move. When she removed her trench coat and stood before me naked, I fainted. When I came to, she was gone. Never saw her again.

“Can you zip me up?” Millicent says. “In the back. I can’t seem to reach it.”

I turn around and there she is. The red nightdress is not a dress at all. It’s a sieve with sleeves sewn onto it. I can clearly see her innerwear. Also, so short it barely reaches mid-thigh.

I start to sweat. Profusely. My knees are banging against each other. If my hands shake any more than they are, they’ll flap like wings and I'll fly off like a bird.

“Are you okay?” Millicent asks. Concerned.

I’m certain I am about to fall in a dead faint, when suddenly a loud urgent knock sounds on the door. I’m so relieved I could kiss whoever is visiting at this odd hour.

I throw the door open.

It's Inspector Tembo. Panicky. Sweating as badly as I am. Probably worse.

“Bless your soul, Inspector,” I say. Hugging him.

He pushes me off.

“What’s the matter with you, Sergeant?”

“I have a naked woman in my house. I don’t know what to do. But what are you doing here?”

“Women trouble, too. She’s here.”

“Who’s here?”

“The Dragon Priestess. My wife! I need to hide.”

Edited by T Jalio