My husband and I have been having this debate for the last few years that we have lived as economic migrants in a different country.
Even though we come from two different African countries (I from the East, him from Central), we met and spent most of our twenties in the southernmost part of the continent. As such, our values and life in general have changed because they were largely influenced by the environment we lived in.
As Africans, we might have minor differences in our cultures and traditions, but the norms of society remain largely the same. We are kind to our neighbours, we are friendly to everyone, we are ready to help and most importantly, we value community. The same cannot be said for our Western counterparts.
In the West, community is the extended family, community is your church group, community is your dedicated group of friends. As a result, since our moving here, I have felt the impact of my loss of community. My husband and I live in a foreign land that speaks a foreign language with our three-year-old for company. We occasionally meet and interact with friends, but it's just not the same.
We could spend weeks before we run into any neighbours, and when we do, a simple “hello” suffices. The neighbours from the street will either greet you or ignore you, but one thing is for certain, you will never have the type of neighbourliness where you visit each other or rely on them for anything.
My husband isn’t bothered much by this as he is introverted and maintains a small social circle. He claims to have adapted by doing what the Romans do. Meanwhile, I find myself stifled and losing my own instincts of how to act in public. Let me expound by example.
I have lived in the same building for three years. The neighbours are the same. I go to the same supermarket weekly. I get served by the same cashiers, one of whom has a child who is Kindergarten classmates with mine. I go to the same doctor’s office often, same pediatrician and so on… but none of them have ever spoken to me.
I mean really speak, not even about the weather. There is no conversation in the society we are in, just people reading off a script. “Hello.” “Your bill is…” “Do you have your insurance card?” “Please wait in the waiting room.”
I mean, I know these people and they know me. Yet if they see me on the street, they will turn their heads. Even throughout our entire interaction, a formal discourse will be maintained. There is no warmth or friendliness with people here. When they do strike up some sort of conversation, it would end up being about your foreignness and your background.
I have lost my ability to make small talk. When I am in Kenya, I find it hard to connect to other people the way I used to. I feel that a part of my identity and culture is slowly being erased because of my current environment. I force myself to do things that have been instilled in me even though I fear rejection or being chastised.
Last week, my neighbour lost her mother. Why is it that in a building of seven homes (most of whom are homeowners and lived as neighbours for years), my husband and I were the only ones to show up at the funeral? Is this really the society I want to live in? Even though I have chosen to immigrate to a different country for multiple reasons, do I really need to lose myself because I am in Rome and must do what the Romans do?
