FELGONAH OYUGA: Oh the pain that’s Christmas

Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas

The year is over and like all year-ends, the peeves are being petted. I am not a fan of Christmas. Allow me to vent. (You do not really have a choice.)

Summer bunnies. While I appreciate the few dollars they pump into our economy, can we breathe, please? First of all there is Uber; we are not coming to pick you at the airport. You know where your home is. We are also not going to Masai Mara or to the Coast; what you saw last year and the year before that is what they still have. Yes it is dusty, take it up with Sonko. I just live in Nairobi, I do not sweep it. I know back in America, you always have the lights on when you have paid your electricity bill. Here Kenya Power has other ideas. Stop complaining to me; you were here, you know the problems, I did not cause them.

Housegirls. Suddenly these women are restless. It is like they live for December. From the fifteenth of the month, you are dealing with a body whose soul is in the village. She is moody, spills the milk, is impatient with the children and worst of all, your good stuff starts missing — she is ‘shopping’ for gifts for her people in your house.

Promotional texts. Everyone who has your number, everywhere you have ever made a payment via M-Pesa and their mother will be sending you texts with their Christmas promotions via text. Stop filling my phone with these things. I do not have money for them. Also, I am waiting for M-Pesa and my heart cannot deal with any more disappointments of thinking money has checked in, only to find your buy-one-get-one-sock- free promotion.

Christmas carols and decoration. Can we please update these? If you are going to do it, do it right or leave it. There is nothing as upsetting as walking into a shop that has a string of Christmas lights and only two light bulbs are working and they have a Bonny M Christmas Carol on repeat.

The price of kienyeji (free range) chicken. We have been eating this same chicken all year. How can one day make the price rocket? This is ridiculous, we shall start eating pork on Christmas Day. I do not even understand why we eat these birds on Christmas anyway.

Missing boyfriends and husbands. For such a Christian holiday, the devil surely runs around freely - a lot. Maybe during Easter I can understand the three-day disappearance but Christmas? Joseph was with Mary throughout! Why are these men disappearing? This is why I will always respect my father. He was arrested a lot around the holidays (I still do not understand what the police had against him around Christmas). Unlike men these days, he leaves to go to the office party. He gets lost and finds his way back on the 26th. After Jesus has been born, the wise men (our girlfriends on WhatsApp) have come to console with us and the star has long been seen.

Family. Someone said the devil could not be everywhere so God created relatives. If you want to mess with your mental health, attend the family gatherings. Aunty busybody will want to find out whether Baba Watoto married a new wife and what you are going to do with your many children. Uncle Praise the Lord will be busy quoting scripture and judging everyone when we all know Sister Booty from his church, who is married, is expecting his baby. Cousin Drinks a Lot keeps trying to sell you another ‘grand’ business idea that is guaranteed to make him, you and everybody rich! We must not forget Slim in Law who keeps commenting about your weight like you eat in her house, then everybody wonders why you drink a little more than a lot.

Lastly, it is so annoying how money will not be content in your pocket or purse. It is like it gets a mind of its own. One minute you have Sh50,000, the next you are sitting down with a pen and paper trying to find out who stole from you. I mean, you only went out for ONE drink, bought one or two things for the children and bought a pizza or five. Sadly, nobody swindled you. Money just does not like you around Christmas time.

From me to you, Merry everything, and happy always! Be safe during this festive season.

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