When I grow up, I want to have the confidence of a man. I wonder if it is inbuilt or they get a text with a link in their early twenties to download audacity.
A man is someone who can look anyhow whichever way you look at him. The type that can only be loved if he has tonnes of money or by his mother. This man will announce to all and sundry that he only dates women who look like Beyonce for example. My friend, if we looked like Beyonce our target group would be akina Jay Z upwards. Not wild animals, but, we are dating you, doing you a favour. Sorry, I mean marrying you too because there is nothing else in this jungle.
Who is a man? A man is an upright walking mammal who will tell you with all the seriousness that he can muster that he will rock your whole universe with his penis and the only thing that will shake is him after all of two minutes if you are lucky. And then he will ask you why you are always drunk when you meet or complain to his people that you have become an alcoholic. But you only drink to manage him.
Did you ask about a man? Well, he is a species that you will employ or give a business opportunity and then he will still have the audacity to ask you out on a date. Promising to change your life. With all the money you pay him.
Yani this son of Adam is one who will look you straight in the eye and tell you the reason he did not come home over the weekend was that he was locked in the office on Friday. So he had to wait until Monday for the office messenger to come to work. Luckily the messenger gets to work at 4am. Yet he smells fresh and his clothes are pressed.
A good woman like you will be minding her own business. A man will spot you and do anything, including making a fool of himself, to get close to you. Once you agree to his proposal, he will quickly embark on treating you like a second-rate citizen. You will leave because your parents did not give birth to you and look after you for all those years so that a mad man can turn you into an idiot.
The minute you look like you are moving on, the agent of darkness will be back. He will do anything, again. Get saved, blame the devil and his mother. He will do anything to make sure you never find happiness (Read: get back with him). Devils walk amongst us. As Shakespeare said, hell is empty.
Do you think you know a man? He will send you photos of his house. Tell you how much he has bought it for. He will take you to that house and say, "Baby, this is now your home!" Because you do not ask questions, you will go about your business of making your new house into a home. Six months down the line a knock on the door. You open to find an angry woman. “Yes?” you ask, on the defensive. “If you people cannot pay rent, vacate my house!” and just like that, you will find out that your house is a rental.
A man will have the guts to eat food, which he did not buy, until his head almost bursts, in a woman’s house. Get an erection and lie with her, then fall asleep and snore. All the while not knowing where his biological children are. For decoration (kwanza those shiny ones they put around your neck when you graduate), he may even buy milk and yoghurt for the woman’s children the next morning, while his own blood languishes wherever. (He does not know)
Because I have a word limit, let me squeeze in this simple fool. The one who will call you, and you are not his mother or wife or even sister. He will ask you, a stranger he has bumped into a few times, to lend him Sh2,000 because he wants to buy electricity tokens. He claims his family is in darkness.
Remember, you are a woman. You have all the parts to prove it and your national passport says so too. Since when did women start providing for other men’s families?
Didn’t I tell you last week that maybe dating buildings is not such a bad idea?
