Losing your ability to see, walk, talk or hear can be challenging in the beginning especially if the disability crept in later in life.
Nonetheless, with family and psychological support, one eventually learns how to adjust and live positively with the new limitation.
However, the adjustment sometimes comes with battling low self-esteem and different forms of violence such as physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a section of society that is insensitive to the plight of People with Disabilities.
It’s even worse when such forms of abuse come from close friends or family.
FO, a visually impaired clerk explains how her husband of 30 years abused her financially and emotionally.
FO, who is now 64, told the Star that the abuse worsened when she completely lost her sight due to diabetes in 2017 compelling her to rely on her 21-year-old house manager who eventually ended up being her co-wife.
“Everything was happening in my house without my knowledge even though I was inside there, I couldn’t see them,” she says.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, FO says her partner sent her out of their matrimonial bed to the guest room for three years.
She wasn’t allowed to pick anything from the room which was always locked until after the husband was around.
All the while, FO contemplated leaving her matrimonial home but ruled out the option as she didn’t know where to go.
Her home was the only environment she was familiar with and because she was all alone, it was difficult to move out.
“My three sisters were nowhere to be found and in fact, they were advising my husband to throw me out. Except for my only son who would visit once in a while,” she says.
FO eventually gathered the strength and moved out after five years of perseverance.
However, the exit came only after her husband beat her cousin who had visited after she expressed fear that her life was in danger.
She says no one was allowed to visit her except her son, an order the cousin had defied.
But that was not the only reason for her moving out; FO says there are times her husband would leave the main gate open and the lights on at night, risking her life since the door into the guest room could not close.
The mother of one says despite her husband working as a mechanic, she was expected to cater for all responsibilities in the house since she was still receiving her salary.
“My husband would ask me to take a loan for business which I would agree to only to realise that the money was used for other needs,” FO says.
She now has to pay for the loans even though there’s nothing to show for the money she borrowed.
Jane*, from Nairobi, also narrated to the Star how her husband of five years took advantage of her loss of sight to borrow loans from different online mobile lending apps without her consent.
She says she had trusted her husband with all her PIN numbers immediately after she lost her vision in 2018 and since he had resigned to take care of her, it didn’t cross her mind that he could do anything against her.
“I only knew through a friend who kept asking whether I have a project I’m working on because I had many defaulting messages from the lenders,” she says.
Jane* says she was not only disappointed but felt betrayed and when she enquired more about her financial status from her bank through the help of her friend, she realised that apart from the loans from mobile lenders, her partner was also taking salary advances on her behalf every month.
“I was frustrated but couldn’t ask him because he was the only person helping me with mobility and house chores now that I couldn’t do much,” she says.
Sadly, she later realised that her house rent was also in arrears even after her partner used to withdraw money from her account every month claiming to be paying rent.
What devastated her more is that after being interrogated by family members, the husband offered to pay the loans for he had now secured a job and Jane* had adopted some mobility skills but only paid for a few months.
The burden was now on Jane to repay the loans which amounted to almost Sh150,000.
“One day, a lender threatened to tell my boss that I had refused to pay their money and that they would visit my office. This killed my spirit and I wished the earth would open up and swallow me,” Jane* says.
At this point, her husband had landed a job out of Nairobi. Alone with house help, Jane* sought for money to clear and save herself the shame.
Afraid that the abuse might go on, she kept changing her PIN numbers and always kept her phone closer to her whenever her husband visited.
She eventually parted ways with him because things worsened and emotional abuse crept in. She started being suicidal. Five years down the line, Jane* is still repaying the loans.
“Nalipa pole pole kwa sababu nina mahitaji mengine yananisubiri mimi tu (I’m repaying slowly because I have other needs waiting for me).”
The Kenya Psychologists and Counselors Association CEO Moffat Kago says traditionally, men rarely share about issues affecting their lives and especially the mental related one's due to wrong or distorted definition of masculinity and the thinking that sharing such issues is feminine.
However, Micheal Nginge, an environment officer who is visually impaired says although his wife wasn’t mistreating him, she eventually decided to leave without notice.
"Hapo ndipo nilipojua kwamba mimi ni kipofu kweli (That’s when it dawned on me that indeed I was blind),” he says.
Being all alone in the house with no one to help made him feel helpless and psychologically tortured.
Ngige says he had to seek refuge in the village where his mother was, relying on her for everything since he had no source of income.
Although he has a job now, Ngige says he fears remarrying.
Most people who face abuse in marriages mostly choose to stay in spite of the abuse they go through with excuses such as not having elsewhere to go. But what informs this decision?
Marriage therapist Beatrice Mainge says low self-esteem among PWDs who go through abuse could be the reason they choose not to move out.
She says most of them feel hopeless, thinking that it’s a favour the abuser is doing them by accepting them regardless of their challenge since no one can accept to marry them in their state if they decided to move out.
Mainge says most perpetrators of abuse or violence against PWDs are emotional rather than physical abusers since they don’t want to appear hostile before society even though they intend to make the lives of their victims unbearable.
This emotional abuse is what eventually forces PWDs to leave their marriages.
Mainge, however, says empowering PWDs to seek help will go a long way in ensuring PWDs in abusive relationships don’t tolerate it.
She says the fear of discovering oneself could cause one to avoid seeking for therapeutic help.
Besides, the cost of seeking for mental health services in Kenya has always been a challenge for many and it’s no different for the PWDs going through abuse.
She says going for therapy was not possible due to lack of funds.
However, Psychologist Beatrice Mainge says cost shouldn’t be an issue.
“You don’t have to suffer in silence; there are services one can acquire freely. We have authorities and helplines that one can easily report when abused, but this seems difficult for most PWDs,” she says.
Gender activist Hamisa Zaja, who is also physically challenged, says most PWDs don’t report cases of violence or abuse against them for fear of being attacked thereafter.
Zaja says since they don’t see any intervention from the authorities after reporting, they always consider silence a safer option compared to putting their lives at risk in the hands of their perpetrator.
She recommends that action be taken against any perpetrator of GBV immediately after a report is made to assure the victims of their safety.
