Settling into celibacy after stormy sex life

I haven’t had sex in a very long time. I really want to but so far, no one has been deserving of the time to get dressed then get undressed and then get redressed.

I didn’t start out looking to be celibate for this long, but the longer I do it, the more I question if I ever really wanted to have sex with most men I have slept with. Most of the time, the answer is no. I just did what I had to do or what I was expected to do.

Even my first encounter with sex was because I felt like it was the thing to do to get the boyfriend back. Celibacy has allowed me to make peace with every sexual part of myself. It has allowed me to sit with how my body responds to sexual stimuli without the interruption of pleasure for another.

Celibacy has allowed me to question if I was ever present during sex. I feel like I was always more performative because I cannot risk you seeing anything other than what you need to see to stay pleased. That shit was so exhausting. Men will smell this, pounce on it and then leave you in the desert without water.

Celibacy has allowed me to sit with those painful sexual parts of myself. Where it hurt as it happened and kept hurting after it happened. It allowed me to feel those uncomfortable feelings of violation, shame and guilt and anger and frustration. It allowed me to hold them and then release them. It allowed me to recognise the work it would take to heal the wounds left behind and if it paralysed me, the work it would take to feel again. I knew I could do it because I, my self, was there.

Celibacy brought me back to my body. It allowed me to explore and feel my body without the interruption of pleasure for another. It allowed me to learn how to be in tune with it because I wasn’t my body. It brought me back to my mind and allowed me to explore mental pleasure without the interruption of pleasure for another. Just as with my body, I wasn’t my mind and I needed clarity to stay in tune with my mind.

Celibacy has changed the way I view my relationships with humans and with sex. It’s been, and still is, a very interestingly complicated road. I’m still learning and sometimes, I want to put theory into practice. But so far, no one feels worthy of the effort to even think about what I want to wear. Slowly, I have decentred sex from my life.

Celibacy, not as a solo but contributing factor, has allowed me to find harmony with my body, my mind, and my self (two words). My Holy Trinity, three in one.