‘I’ve conquered’: Why men hit and run

It was her birthday and she was excited at the prospect of enjoying an intimate evening with her boyfriend. Shiro* and Mark* (names changed for privacy) had dated for about two months but had not consummated their relationship. They had made out a couple of times and their chemistry was off the charts.

"Mark was the love of my life, and no other man had ever made me feel the way he did," Shiro says. "We were a great couple and everything was great!" she says. "But now I don't know where I stand with him since he's acting distant and does not pick my calls after we had sex."

Shiro's experience is a fairly common scenario, where a man who was really nice to a woman suddenly pulls away or starts acting weird after sex. Understandably, this can really make one feel insecure when it happens, and multiple questions cross the mind:

"Did I do something that hurt him? Will he ever talk to me again? Was sex all that he wanted? Had he bet with his friends that he would nail me? What are we?" Such is usually the confusion that goes through a woman's mind once a man vanishes after intimacy.

Steve Harvey, in his book, 'Straight talk, no chaser', says, "Men absolutely cannot, I repeat, cannot live without sex or what I often refer to as the cookie. There's nothing on this planet that makes him feel better than sex." If his words are anything to go by, why, then, do most men disappear after getting the cookie? Where's the disconnect?

But who better placed to answer these questions than men themselves... We talked to a few men and a marriage counsellor to help us unravel this mystery. Just when a woman thinks everything is going well, there's rapport, interesting and intelligent conversations, great chemistry, an enviable bond, then boom! The once-loving man pulls the carpet from under her feet and everything is suddenly on a downward spiral after that first sexual encounter.

Andy*, 38, a PA to a politician, says that if a guy wants sex, he'll do anything. "If a man loses interest after sex, it shows he was only interested in the act and nothing more." On the other hand, NW, in his late 40s, says the problem is not that the sex happened. "I'm not sure why a man leaves after sex, but it's usually based on why the sex happened and how it was."

He says if there was a good bond before the sex and the man wants to leave thereafter, then probably someone mismanaged the sex. "It is either the sex was lousy or the whole process was strained. But if both parties agree the sex was good and he still leaves, then he is either a foolish man or he's broke and doesn't know how to tell her," he says.

SEX FOR MONEY

A number of the men we talked to complained that a growing number of women leverage sex for money. "I do not understand why a woman thinks I have to give her money after sex or have to pay her bills, especially when the sex was mutual," Jonah laments. "Our women need to understand that we are sharing our bodies and should stop commercialising sex. Why, then, don't I buy it from the streets if I must pay my woman in some kind of way to get it?" he poses.

BK, a marketer, says rapport and interesting conversations make it possible to have sex because that is something every woman takes seriously. "A man will easily walk because after sex, the curiosity has been dealt with. The satisfaction has been achieved," he says.

Does it not matter that you and the woman connected, had a good bond? "It doesn't really matter. It is normal for a man to get satisfied and move on. It might have been designed this way by nature to ensure that species continue to survive," BK says. "Sometimes, the best approach to these things is the anthropological one. As in, always check what nature intended. That way, as a woman, you will realise that rapport and bonding are not such big factors." 

Baba N shares a similar view. "First of all, a good rapport and conversation does not guarantee interest in a man. If a chick gives it up too soon, that sends a signal she's an easy lay. Men will always want sex but we like to work for it. If it comes too easily, we move on. If you want a guy to stick around, let him work for it. It would also be a plus to give him an unforgettable experience when the time comes," he advises.

May the month of love be kind to you!

EXPERT TAKE

Richard Kiilu, a reverend and counsellor, says that what makes men leave after sex is driven by an animalistic instinct wired in the male psyche:

"It is a masculine trait. The element of the elusive male conquest. The allure that the other woman is better. The thrill of the chase, especially when the girl plays hard to get, and that feeling of 'I've conquered', is usually behind it," he says.

"When men spend thousands and hundreds of thousands of shillings on a woman, it's not necessarily about pursuing something external but rather internal. A man feels that once he gets between the legs of a certain woman, he'll be fulfilled. But once he hits it, the thrill is gone and he feels she has nothing new to offer and is off to chasing the next PYT (pretty young thing)! He doesn't realise it is an illusion and is like chasing the wind.

"Women should know that once he conquers you, the thrill to chase is gone. The reason he hits and runs is not purely about the sex because those married, for instance, have it at home. It's an illusion that this man thinks he is going to conquer.

"Every man is looking for a thrill; a new conquest. And once he beds a woman, she stops providing that thrill and he's off to chase another thrill. It's an obsession and he thinks that once he gets a certain woman he will be fulfilled, but it's like a bottomless pit. The allure, which was never really about the woman but a desire from inside, is insatiable and can only be controlled by self-control.

"Men who order their lives on a higher ideal can be monogamous, being on a higher level of respecting another human being, which means what you do to them is what you also want them to do to you. Ask yourself, do I want to be like everyone else? If a man is committed to his woman's peace of mind and happiness, then he does not want to pursue what will hurt her. To achieve this, he will need to tap into something stronger, like a commitment to faith, and have values, which has nothing to do with religion. Battles have to be won from within," concludes Rev Kiilu.