Let kids play so they can thrive

Making friends. Handling conflict. Expressing yourself. Knowing what and when to say it. Negotiating. We all are expected to know these things almost instinctively, but the ongoing evolution of society shows these skills are learnt; they are not inborn.

Experts say urbanisation, separation from extended family, social isolation and an emphasis on academic performance are creating a generation of adults lacking social skills. Imagine not knowing how to start a conversation, form friendships or even work in a team. We take social skills for granted but the lack of them can cripple an individual’s progress in life.

People who did not learn social skills as children find it difficult to manage relationships, often feeling lonely and misunderstood. Lack of social skills is not all about getting along with people; it has a detrimental impact on one’s career and income-generating prospects.

Social skills are so important to financial well-being that they are recognised by the World Bank as a key set of skills necessary for success in this century. In its report on skills development, the World Bank characterises socio-emotional skills as the ability to handle interpersonal and social situations effectively. Such skills include leadership, teamwork, self-control and grit.

The Dictionary of Psychology describes social skills as a set of learned abilities that enable an individual to interact with other people in an appropriate manner, depending on the social context. For example, the behaviour expected on a sporting field will be different from that in a place of worship. Interacting with elders demands a different set of behaviour compared to interacting with agemates.

LEARNT FROM OBSERVATION

Children learn social skills by observing the behaviour of people around them, including other children. Interacting with fellow children through play is very important in developing a child’s social skills, but parents and caregivers increasingly see childhood games as a waste of time.

Winnie Wathu, who authored a report on the influence of play on the social and emotional development of pre-school children, says rising insecurity has become a major concern for parents and teachers. As such, children are no longer left to play outside freely. “The decrease in free play can also be explained by children being passively entertained through television or computer video games,” Wathu said.

As Wathu notes, there’s a trend of focusing on academic matters at the expense of breaks, creative arts and physical education. “This trend may have implications for the social and emotional development of children and adolescents,” she said. Furthermore, even outside school, lots of activities revolve around keeping children busy with academics and homework instead of play and physical activities.

WHY SOCIAL SKILLS?

Inadequate social skills contribute to mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety. These problems can start in childhood and extend well into adulthood. Young people lacking social skills are uncomfortable interacting with other people, which makes them isolate themselves, leading to introverted behaviour.

Lack of social skills makes it hard for the affected individuals to nurture good relations with teachers, workmates, bosses and romantic partners. A multitude of studies prove there is a direct link between poor social skills and the ability to handle the stresses of life. If stress is not properly managed, it can manifest itself in physical illness.

On the other hand, individuals who develop social skills at an early age gain certain advantages in later life. They are better at social perceptiveness, which is the ability to interpret other people's reactions and respond in an understanding manner. They are good at persuasion and negotiation. Socially skilled persons adjust their actions with those of people around them (coordination). They are better at teaching and helping others understand new things. They have a service orientation of actively looking for ways to grow with other people.

CHILDHOOD FRIENDSHIPS

So important are social skills that it has been suggested they are more important than good grades in examinations. Early childhood is the best time to build a foundation for social skills. This is why children should be encouraged to socialise and make friends.

“Friendship is fundamental to social skills development for young children. Friends provide emotional support; they can help solve problems, and they can teach each other new skills," says Anne Kipkemei, who has written a paper on the role of parents in the acquisition of social skills.

“Parents should be enlightened on the best needs for children by providing quality time for play as this is children’s right for quality growth and development.”

The relationship between children and their parents is important, too. “A loving relationship gives young children a sense of comfort, safety, confidence and encouragement,” Kipkemei explains. “They teach young learners how to form friendships, communicate emotions and deal with challenges.”

Family conditions and quality of parenting have a huge effect on a child’s future. A review by the London-based Institute of Health Equity finds that “lack of secure attachment, neglect, lack of quality stimulation and conflict have negative impacts on future social behaviour, educational outcomes, employment status and mental and physical health”.

In addition, the institute found that symptoms of depression among adolescents are associated with both a history of adverse childhood experiences as well as their current experiences. The consequences of poor social skills in early childhood extend to adolescence and onwards to adulthood.

What next for adults who have problems with social skills? Children learn social skills through observation and practice. Adults can learn the same way. Identify your area of weakness and strive to improve your social skills by interacting with other people. Embrace social interactions that make you uncomfortable. Attend that wedding, participate in that team-building event, and join your workmates for lunch. You could very well find there was nothing to fear.

Building social skills takes time. Accept that you will make mistakes or say something you shouldn't have said, but the key principle is to improve yourself by learning from those mistakes.