Dear Felly: Why do financially stable women only marry poor men in old age?

Women should always marry up. And not just financially. Intellectually too.

In Summary

• My father always said a man must provide. Marry within your means and be the provider there.

• My mother always said good men will never get ‘finished’. All types, sizes, ages and colours.

Hi Felly,

I have seen very very few women put up with a man after he loses his job. But I've never seen a lady in their 20s or 30s with a decent income marry (or even date) a jobless man.

Even a shamba boy, a labourer, or watchman earning peanuts does not stand a chance.

The only time I've seen a financially stable woman accept a relationship with a poor fellow is when she is middle-aged and above after she realizes she's lost her pulling power.

I've had honest, mature chats for many years with men in Manchester where I am now, Ghana, Kenya, Nigeria, Uganda, and the U.S., who can confirm this.

What's the reason? I need a lady's perspective.

Almighty bless Denis


Hi Denis,

You offer an interesting perspective that I am not privy to. What I know is very (maybe I am being a bit sensational) many women, Kenyan (I can only talk about the ones I know) marry, live with, are in relationships with jobless men.

That said, it does not mean it is an easy setup.

 

Allow me to tell you why men should strive to be breadwinners in their relationships. It is simple really, women are created, in my opinion, to follow, to support, to be taken care of, to nurture.

Play your part, and your experience with a woman can be close to heavenly. Now if a woman has to be the breadwinner, you are about to experience hell. This is not our natural state so we expect gratitude and recognition for providing. Think Guinness records.

You only get on when you do something outside the ordinary. This is the same when we provide. We want worldwide recognition. Many men say, oh, she is a good woman, no one knows she provides. Say instead that you have not met anyone who knows or has the guts to tell you they know your woman is providing. It will be in everyday conversations.

“Ladies, I can't join you for wine today, you know these days I'm the everything in this house if I drink wine is how we will go hungry, and you don't want to know how much Baba Boi eats. That body is built on my sweat !”

The more we provide the more disrespectful we become. It is what it is.

Let us also mention the frustration a real man goes through when he does not have money. He is not easy to live with. Maybe that also contributes to breakups in relationships where men find themselves jobless.

Women should always marry up. And not just financially. Intellectually too. It makes relationships bearable.

As for, “The only time I've seen a financially stable woman accept a relationship with a poor fellow is when she is middle-aged and above after she realizes she's lost her pulling power”... This is a very wrong narrative to propagate for three reasons.

Young men thinking all they have to do is persevere in squalor for a while, they will meet a woman past her “use by” date who will accept him for who he is and his life will change.

Two, that getting a man is the be-all and end-all for a woman. So get anything male walking upright preferably on two legs.

And three, there is a deadline for getting married and it is when you are young, not when you are ready. When you get old, good men are finished, poor (in all ways) fellows are what is left, so pick any, dust it, scrub with a pumice stone and take it home.

My father always said a man must provide. Marry within your means and be the provider there.

My mother always said good men will never get ‘finished’. All types, sizes, ages and colours. Do not shame women who are in your opinion advanced in years into blindly picking anything from the basket.