It’s Bridezilla to my rescue

Diary,

I’ve often read hilarious (and at times disturbing) accounts of women who turn to bridezillas during the preparations for their weddings. It’s a term coined by combining “bride” and the monster “Godzilla”. Some brides demand expensive gifts, others insist on lavish bridal showers at the expense of their bridesmaids.

The more my wedding to the beautiful Harper from the land of Trump nears, the more I’m beginning to wonder if my bride-to-be isn’t a bridezilla after all. From insisting on keeping to incredible wishes she made as a teenager almost 20 years ago, to throwing tantrums when said wishes become impossible to fulfil, Harper is letting show a side I didn’t know she possessed.

“How many more concessions must I make?” she rants. “I gave up on my chosen castle in England and I’m okay with Haut-Koenigsbourg castle in France. Find out what it takes to get married there, Tom, okay?”

“How will I do that?” I protest. “I can’t even pronounce the damn name.”

She looks me in the eye the way my primary school headmaster would stare at me when I’d say I didn’t write “Gladwell, you smell like poop” on the blackboard while my hands were white with chalk dust.

“Tom,” she says, “don’t make yourself part of the problem, okay? You know what I’m dealing with right now? My friend Brielle is supposed to be a bridesmaid but she says she can’t lose a hundred pounds in three months to fit in her dress. And Eleanor, the other maid-to-be, has a brood of six kids since we left high school and can’t travel to France for our wedding. Christ, man, who gets six kids in this day and age?”

“You’re asking me?” I quip, feeling hilarious. “One is too much for me.” Then I remember Harper has a daughter. “I mean two is too much. Two.”

I doubt Harper even heard me. “And some of the other people are crying over a mere two grand for a two-night and three-day trip to France.”

My jaw drops. “Did you say $2,000? That’s like Sh250,000 per person. Don’t you think that’s a tad much?”

Another one of the looks, this time arms akimbo. “Tom, you keep talking like that and you won’t be part of this wedding.”

And just like that, I have found a way to wriggle out of this grand mistake I’m about to make.