• Ignoring your significant other for a whole year cannot be resolved in one day
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Diary,
Remember how I told you I spent Valentine’s Day alone like all the other single morons? Well, when you have time to kill, you get to do a lot of observing and a lot of thinking. And that’s how I came up with the ultimate way to keep love flowing like the river Nile.
I observed how men queued up outside shops to buy flowers for their wives. The same men who had ignored their significant others for a whole year suddenly couldn’t stop themselves from spending thousands on chocolate and sappy cards bearing such gems as, “Unlike the toilet paper, my love for you will never run out. Happy Valentine’s Day Forever!”
Made me want to puke, but instead, a bulb lit up over my head. There are three main days in a year when a man spends without prompting: Valentine’s Day, Mothers’ Day and spouse birthdays. Three moments in a year when the worst cheat is forced to think of the one person he lies to the most. I think most men are guilted into making small amends.
So, what is my solution, you ask? Simple. Whoever oversees holidays should create as many as 120 special days in a year. That’s a celebration every three days or so. We can have Firstborn Pushing Day on the third of January. Sorry for Your Period Day on the sixth. Baby-Weaning Day can fall on the ninth of June, and I Love Your Legs Day sometime in July. We should cram the calendar so full of these holidays that by the time a man comes home from buying a card for The World’s Best Cook Day, he turns right back around to get one for Thank You for No More Headaches Day.
And of course, this idea should be very appealing to the merchandising powers that be. There will be merch shops up the wazoo. You think there are too many bars right now? Wait till the gift shops begin spreading like a fire in the harmattan. Women will be smiling as they see all the goods about to arrive at their doorsteps. Like sunny dresses for Sorry I Forgot to Get You That Dress Day, and the several necklaces for Forgive Me for Coming Home Late Days scattered throughout the year.
Let him who has ears hear, and once all those marriages are flourishing, don’t forget to get me a bottle of wine for Thank You for Saving My Hiney Day.