• A lot happened before and after bachelor got sued when his dog 'violated' another
Diary,
A while back when walking my dog Puppy, he happened to make a go at a pretty Pomeranian. Later, I’d learn it wasn’t a Pomeranian after all. It was an expensive breed called Maltese.
As I’ve come to learn, Puppy doesn’t care for money or poise. If it’s a dog, and it’s female, it’s fair game. And he works pretty fast, too. Barely inside of five minutes, the Maltese’s owner and I realised our pets were missing. Give or take two minutes of frantic searching and we found them happily stuck together behind a bush.
The woman took offence. She accused me of distracting her while my giant dog (Puppy is a German Shepherd) raped her poor little pocket dog.
“Why didn’t your poor little pocket dog scream rape, huh?” I said. “And look her at her. Does that look like an animal in distress?”
I might have been imagining it, but I swear the Maltese looked like she was smiling with joy.
“If anything,” I went on, “you need to learn from her. In five minutes, she was in action. It took me almost 10 minutes just to get your number.”
The woman wasn’t amused (of course) and she sued me for what she and her pompous lawyer termed “animal on animal cruelty”. The case was thrown out.
Outside the courthouse, I said, “Does this mean I can still call you?”
She slapped me, and that’s the last I heard of her.
Until this morning, when she showed up at my door with a cage full of tiny, ugly, blind puppies that had disproportionately large ears. They looked like bats, to be honest, but on closer scrutiny, I also realised they had a lot of Puppy in them.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Your grandchildren.”
“Why did you bring them to me?”
“What am I going to with six Shepteses?”
“Cheptises? What are they, Kalenjin?”
“Sheptese, stupid. That’s the cross between a Shepherd and a Maltese. Look at them, they look like—”
“Ugly butts?”
We got a laugh, but now I have six more mouths to feed.