• Choosing location wisely, minding budget are some of the tips bachelor shares
Diary,
You know what I mean. Men — like the dogs we are so often compared to — will pee on any obstacle that hides their junk. Like a man who’s ever — unfortunately — peed on an electric fence will tell you, you need to choose wisely which barrier you void against.
As first dates go, you need to think very carefully before stepping out of the door. As a man who’s been on hundreds (Oops! My future wife might be reading this). As a man who’s experienced a few first dates, I’ve become a sort of expert on the art of the first amorous encounter.
Several rules apply, a few of which are...
- 1. Location, location, location.
This is most important. You want to think “Easygoing conversation” not “Quickest way to get laid.” Movies and discos are a no-no. You’ll never hear each other’s words over Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier at a jam session. Also, having your date sit on your bed doesn’t take you any closer to getting some that night.
- 2. Keep your foot out of your mouth.
Once, my date told me, “My Dad is my best friend. I’m looking for a partner that’s just like him.” No, Rebecca. I won’t solve your unrequited daddy issues. A man once declared to his date, “A woman’s place is in the kitchen.” Another opened with, “Hey, want to hear a funny rape joke?” That his Valentino shirt was ruined by a stubborn wine stain speaks to how women feel about an inane sense of humour.
- 3. Have a date budget
Yes! If all you can afford is mutura, then cow guts it is. Don’t try to impress your date with a five-star menu. Two thousand a plate for “Cheesy sautéed corn and berries in beef bourguignon”? That’s githeri and dead cow, my friend. And that premium five-grand-a-cup Kopi Luwak coffee comes from the faeces of Asian Palm Civets. It tastes like… well, like the ass of a cat. Totally not worth it.
- 4. Date safely
This is a no-brainer. If he says, “I’m taking you to a haunted house, where 10 people were hacked to death with a panga,” find something else to do that Saturday. Something that won’t end in you lying in pieces on a mortuary slab and a medical professor telling his students, “As you can see, the killer’s blade went clean through the lower oesophageal sphincter, all the way to the mediolateral axis and…” You catch my drift.
Every heard of the guy who didn’t go out much? On a date, a woman told him, “You look cool.”
His reply: “You don’t look so hot yourself.”
It’s all in the syntax, my friend.