DIARY OF A PERPETUAL BACHELOR

How men can live to 100 years

Tyranny of numbers is a blessing in marriage, bachelor is told

In Summary

• Most people think polygamy comes with anguish, responsibility and depression

• However, such people are getting their math wrong, according to the Enoch theory

Image: PUBLIC DOMAIN PICTURES

Diary,

My friend Enoch has a theory on how a man can live to be a hundred years old, but I’m sure his wife won’t be a fan of it.

The discussion came up at his grandfather’s funeral. I hadn’t met Enoch since his wedding a year ago, and he was quick to tell me he was living in marital bliss.

“Finding a soulmate is like a whole other level of existence,” he said. “Love, passion, care… all in one package. What can beat that?”

“The anguish, responsibilities and depression that comes with it?” I shot back.

“You have your math wrong, my friend.”

“My math?”

“Take grandpa, for instance. Dude was 94. No diabetes, no high blood pressure, no arthritis, nothing. Just fell asleep one evening, woke up dead the next morning.”

“You’ve lost me, my friend.”

“He had three wives.” He held up corresponding fingers. “Three.”

“So? I stand by my claim. That’s three times the anguish, responsibility and depression. No wonder the old guy checked out and left them all behind.”

“Then he should’ve died about three days after marrying his third.”

“What’s your point?”

A happy old man
A happy old man
Image: MAXPIXEL
The wives, they cancel each other out. A third wife by 40, pure blissful cruising all the way to a century

He put a hand on my shoulder. “Your math, Tom. You’re adding when you should be dividing. The wives, they cancel each other out. A third wife by 40, pure blissful cruising all the way to a century. When was the last time you heard of a single man live to be 80, leave alone 90?”

“Neither do married men.”

“Touché, but there’s an exception. Men with multiple wives live the longest.” He pointed to the grave. “Case study? Grandpa Gathu right here.”

I laughed so hard I attracted undue attention. “You can’t be serious. You’re making a case for a second wife, aren’t you?”

“No, Tom. Please pay attention. The magic number is three.”

Mrs Enoch came over, a stern face in place. “It’s a funeral, morons. Not a stag party. Show due respect.”

Enoch and I chorused: “Yes, ma’am!”

“A second wife would’ve held her back,” Enoch whispered as his wife left.

“What about the third?”

“The slay queen? She’d be here laughing it up with us.”

Edited by T Jalio

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