• Bringing his 'girlfriend' home gives Sgt Makini more trouble than he bargained for
I, Sgt Makini, have never seen a grown man so afraid of a woman, the way my boss Inspector Tembo is afraid of his wife. Even I, with my meagre experience with women, have only been really afraid of only two women in my life — my mother and my first love Jennifer.
My mother is easy to explain in two words — firewood rope. That was her answer for every wrong I ever did. Sometimes I even wondered if she had really bought that rope for fetching firewood. One day, I asked her that and guess what happened? That’s right, I got another appointment with the firewood rope.
As for Jennifer, well, she was my crush when I was back in standard three. Jennifer was in standard four. Older and larger than me, but I didn’t care. In the spirit of love, or a death wish in my case, I confessed my love to her.
“Oh,” she said with a smile, “that’s so sweet.”
Then she proceeded to give me the hiding of my life. Now imagine going back to school after getting thoroughly beaten up by a girl. My standard three year was a really long one. But I got Jennifer back in class four. Oh boy, did I get her. I'll tell you how another day. Today, I want to tell you about Inspector Tembo.
His wife, The Dragon Princess, he calls her, comes to visit him and he runs to hide at my place. In my house, she finds me, the Inspector and Millicent (remember her? Her father, the chief of Jiji Ndogo, kicked her out for getting pregnant out of wedlock and she ran to me). First thing the Inspector does after I open the door is shield himself behind me. Leaving me to face the heat.
“Who are you, young man,” Mrs Tembo asks.
“My name is Makini. This is Millicent and the coward behind me is Inspector Tembo.”
“I know who he is,” Mrs Tembo says. “I’m very disappointed in you, young man.”
“What did I do?”
“Two grown men sharing one woman.” Her hand goes to her bosom. “Oh my God! And she’s pregnant, too!”
“Ma'am,” I start, “you have it wrong. We were not doing anything.”
“Oh, you were not? And why are you all half naked?”
Now, I realise how bad it actually looks. Millicent is in a night gown and I’m in shorts because my boss showed up just as we were about to sleep. Inspector Tembo is also in his night clothes.
“Ma'am, lemme explain,” Millicent says. Inspector Tembo pushes her in front, so now he’s hiding behind both of us. “Mrs Tembo, I’m Millicent, Makini’s girlfriend.”
“No, ma'am, she’s not my girlfriend.”
“You’re not helping,” Millicent hisses at me. Then back to Mrs Tembo. “Your husband came over because he heard me crying.”
Now Mrs Tembo turns livid. She lifts up her purse.
“Was he hurting you?”
“Oh, no ma'am. Tembo thought so, too, but I was only crying because I’m so happy Makini has agreed to be the father of my baby, although he is really not the father.”
“You did?” Inspector Tembo asks me.
“I did?” I ask Millicent.
“It’s either that or they were about to gang up on me ma'am, both of them.”
Mrs Tembo swings the purse. Starts clobbering the Inspector and I.
“I can’t believe this!” she says. “I knew you two were up to no good.”
“No, Mrs Tembo,” I cry out, “she’s right. I agree to be the father. I'll be the best daddy ever!”
Edited by T Jalio