SAMANTHA'S CHRONICLES

Home alone is booty call time

Nothing like a personal experience to derive a good story from

In Summary

• Samantha wonders what else there is to do while holed up at home

A couple in bed
A couple in bed
Image: COURTESY

So Tory Lanez is on our cover. The man behind Quarantine Radio that several people around the world, including Kenya, are now trying to mimic.

Girls twerk on his Instagram Live feed, with celebrities watching alongside everyone else. The result is a strip club with no entrance fee or overpriced drinks. The girls are tipped by the public and Lanez himself when the show is over.

So far, he has reached 350k views — an Instagram Live record — only broken by Babyface vs Teddy Riley, who easily went over 500k and broke the Internet.

Tory has used the success of Quarantine Radio to promote his mixtape, and the story in our magazine gives practical tips on how our readers can be innovative and creative when it comes to selling products.

It’s an excellent story, very well written and informative. They are producing great content without me. I groan and push my laptop away in frustration. I need to get back in the game before they think they are better off without me.

The good thing about being stuck at home — whether it’s from a head injury like mine, or from social distancing for the rest of the world — is you get time to watch a lot of TV.

I never had the time before between constantly working, screwing and having meetings. One of the shows I have watched features hot singles in an exotic island for four weeks. They are then told they can win $100,000 (Sh10 million) if they don’t have sex, and this is somehow a huge problem for them.

So much so that the prize money at the end is considerably lower. Because breaking the rules means the money is reduced. A kiss is a fine of Sh300,000. Sex is Sh2,000,000. And inexplicably, everyone keeps breaking rule after rule after rule.  

 

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sex? Why would four weeks be a challenge? It’s all very strange to me. I want to suggest a cover story where we explore this. Are people locked up in quarantine having endless sex? Or are they stuck by themselves and abstaining?

I type an email and send it to my deputy, asking her to assign someone to do this story and send it to me when it’s done. She responds fairly quickly. I read and re-read the email.

That angle is overdone. Many of the dailies have carried those type of stories and it will be stale by the time it gets on the cover.

Who does she think she is? She works for me! To make it worse, she has copied my boss in the email! Is she trying to make me look bad? Speaking of the devil, he sends an email. She is not copied.

Hi. You’re supposed to be resting, Samantha. Doctor’s orders! We are ok here for now. You concentrate on getting better.

Read: Your idea is crap. I log off my account and turn on the TV. Covid this, Covid that. I turn it off. They might not like my idea but it makes sense. What else is there to do while holed up at home?

And so what if other people have written about it? You simply find a different angle. I pick up my phone and scroll through the numbers until I get to Frank. Nothing like an ex for a booty call. And nothing like a personal experience to write a good story.

Me: Hey. You want to come over?