BACHELOR'S DIARY: I could make a good lab rat

Diary,

In case you missed my rant last week, my former boss and ex-lover Helga Annadóttir was leaving the country. She asked me for a final date, only for me to get to her room and discover that she had invited four other guys she had dated, promising them all a five-some.

It turned out that she was as conniving as she was beautiful, and she left us high and dry. Three of us laughed the matter off and went to the airport bar to grab some drinks. The other two guys were too pissed to participate.

I might have acted all nonchalant, but the incident scarred me somehow. It left me wondering how come I’m so unlucky in love. Did I really choose this life of bachelorhood (as I think I did), or it did it choose me and I’m stuck with it? I put the question to my shrink during our latest weekly session. You might remember her as a beautiful lady by the name of Dr Zuberi.

“There are various reasons why people stay single,” she says. “Some are personal choices, others forced onto them.”

“I think I choose to be single.”

“You might think that, but we need to examine the issue a little further before we come to any conclusions. Let’s start with a few questions. Do you enjoy making decisions without negotiation? Or feel most yourself when not accommodating a partner’s needs?”

“I always accommodate my date’s needs,” I say with a sly wink. “I’m a very generous lover.”

Not even a smile from her as she jots something down. “Do you feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness and prefer distance and low emotional demands? That is, are relationships draining to you rather than supportive?”

“I love my mother very much. And my dog Puppy. Does that count?”

More note taking. “What about past toxic relationships, betrayal or do you come from a high-conflict household?  If you’ve suffered abandonment or manipulation, you may feel safer being on your own.”

I sit up eagerly. “You’ve hit the nail on the head. That’s me right there.”

“We’re not done yet. Do you prefer to wait indefinitely for the ‘right’ person or do you avoid relationships entirely because the ideal feels unattainable?”

“It’s true, you know. The beautiful ones are not yet born. C’mon, doc, what’s with the third degree? Can you tell me what’s the issue already?”

She writes on her pad.

“What are you writing?” I ask. “Am I passing or failing?”

This time, she smiles a little. “I wrote, ‘Impatient, flippant and self-grandiose.’”

“Me? What does that mean?”

“A self-grandiose person has an unrealistic sense of superiority, believing they are better than others and deserving of special treatment.”

Now I feel insulted. “That’s not true at all.”

“Oh, but it is. For instance, you’re a doctor, yet you don’t take these sessions seriously even knowing they’re important. From your answers to my earlier questions, I see a perfectionist with a high need for independence, who avoids attachment at all costs and feels like he enjoys his own company.”

“Oh, wow. That’s a lot. Is it bad?”

“It’s not very good, I can say that much. Of course, we have to examine it some more, but as far as your bad dating experience goes? It might be that you sabotage your own relationships.”

“Dr Zuberi, are you saying I’m my own worst enemy?”

Her smile broadens. “Never were more apt words spoken. Tell you what, since I don’t want to judge you based on a few questions, I’d like to suggest a study by some colleagues of mine at Agra University. Two weeks, all expenses paid.”

“Agra? As in India?”

She nods, and I’ve never felt better at being considered for the position of a lab rat.