I love weddings. I know, that’s a very ironic statement from someone who has vowed to stay single for life, but bear with me for a second. I used to like attending weddings because I thought they might soften my jaded heart. That I might see a couple so in love that I would change my mind and start considering marriage as a viable option for me.
Well, that’s not how it turned out. I’ve attended a few vow ceremonies where the couples are still together as we speak. But a wedding is like the starting line of a car race; it doesn’t guarantee how the rest of the competition will fare.
I have a colleague who got married a year ago, and now the couple is fighting over, of all things, debt. Turns out they took out a loan to finance their “perfect day”, and now it’s proving a bit much to repay. He once told me he wished it was a car he could take back to the bank.
Nowadays, if I’m not at a wedding to pick up a date (bridesmaids are always pining for love) I do it for the same reason you can’t pull your eyes away from a train wreck. Humans love to witness disaster.
Some will even eat the rice and drink the alcohol while wagering how long the couple will last. Frankly, I always wish the couple all the best, but most of them just end up disappointing me.
Ethan, my tech millionaire friend, invited me to a wedding last weekend. One of his clients was getting hitched to a very pretty lady.
“Don’t ask me how he bagged such a bombshell,” Ethan said. “Every time he tries talking to a woman, he suddenly develops a bad stutter.”
“Oh my God!” I say in mock surprise. “He sounds exactly like you.”
“We’re both nerds. What do you expect?”
The ceremony was taking place at a very posh five-star hotel. The food was fantastic, the décor out of this world and the music was by a popular Nigerian artiste.
“Apparently, she loves everything Naija,” Ethan explained. “Music, movies, food…”
“He certainly granted her wishes,” I quipped. “But why is she constantly on her phone?”
“She’s an executive assistant to some bigwig who’s currently on an important business trip to Dubai. I guess he gave her the day off, but not her phone.”
The only disappointing thing was the maids. Every one of them I approached wouldn’t give me the time of day. Seemed like my charm was seriously waning.
Ethan laughed when I complained. “It’s not your charm, dude, it’s your bank account.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re an amateur trying to compete in the big leagues here. That girl you approached last? She’s dating the bride’s boss.”
My mouth drops. “The bigwig in Dubai?”
“That same one.”
He was right. I couldn’t compete.
Halfway through the reception, the groom went to the mic and asked everyone to leave. Curious, Ethan asked him what was happening.
The groom held up a phone. “My dear wife’s.”
For the entire reception, she had been sexting with a guy who also sent photos of… Let’s say a priest would find it very hard to absolve her.
