I got married at 31. As I am currently headed for my late thirties, some of my nieces and nephews are knock-knocking on their thirties. I found myself having a conversation that I have had with some people before, but this time I was imparting this knowledge from a place of knowing, experience and speaking on behalf of their future selves. Since I had this conversation multiple times with young women in my family this week, I thought why not share it with all the young women of the world.
The societal pressure that is placed on us as we enter our late twenties is a con. People who encourage young women to marry for the sake of ‘being married before they are too old’ are enemies of the state. They do not mean you well. These people will pop up to pressure you about marriage and having children yet will not contribute a single penny to any festivity, struggle or significant point in your life. Gossip is their fodder.
I have a niece who is stressing about getting married, especially as she approaches her thirties. The loving aunt in me has wanted to reach out and shake reality into her. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is not an achievement. Marriage is not a social status. Marriage is an agreement between two like-minded individuals. When people force a relationship between two people who are of different mindsets, the relationship is doomed.
I am not against marriage. My preaching to these young women has always been to enjoy their youth and freedom while they still have it. This is coming from a person who sleeps two hours a night with a newborn. I am married and my husband is an amazing partner and father, yet still marriage is not easy. Having people rely on you 24/7 is not the most amazing feeling. And you know what, I miss those days where I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and did anything I wanted to my own schedule.
Here is the ringer: I was warned. As a struggling student in my late twenties, I reached a dead end in my studies and sought counselling. I, too, felt like a raisin in the sun. My youth was wasting away behind dusty books and academic papers nobody will read. I worried about missing out on life, on marriage and having kids while young. I feared about never being married and being a spinster because I was late to the game.
My counsellor looked at me and told me the words that I have immortalised. I have made it my life’s mission to share these words with every young woman I come across who has the same worries. She said that she, too, was married in the late thirties. As she struggled with the realities of being an unmarried 30-year-old woman, someone told her, “You are wasting your time worrying about the future. When that future comes, you will be pining for these days.”
She told me that the freedoms I had as a young single person will not be there when I am married and a mother. The simple joys of sleeping in or staying up late are unheard of in that phase of your life and that I will miss them.
I do. As a mother of two youngins, all I think about are the small freedoms I used to have: washing my hair for an hour, waking at 10am and going even 10 minutes without getting tugged on, spit on or needed, and so on.
To all the young women facing this pressure of marriage and settling down, I say: live your life for the present. The future will surely come, but today will never come around again.
