There are many ways to embarrass yourself in public. You could, for instance, try dancing to ‘Donjo Maber’ after two too many White Caps.
However, I doubt if anything compares to the pathetic sight of Black Kenyans holding a memorial service for a deeply racist White man.
The sad truth of the matter is that 135 years after Koitalel arap Samoei led the resistance against British colonial rule, 73 years since the Kenya Land Freedom Army took up arms to liberate the country from the yoke of colonialism, there exists in Kenya today a puzzling species of citizen: the MAGA Kenyan.
Immediately recognisable by their Alabamian televangelist accents and swagger despite never having left Kenya, and wearing knock-off ‘Make America Great Again’ caps purchased at the nearest branch of the Sunshine Boutique.
This is the sight that made my eyes sore just over a week ago when a group of such Kenyans got together in a room they rented from the All Saints Cathedral in Nairobi to wail for an American podcaster who once declared, “If I see a Black pilot, I’m going to be like, ‘Boy, I hope he’s qualified.’” The irony could power the national grid.
Charlie Kirk, in case you missed him before his untimely exit (recently murdered, though I must confess my grief reserves are stretched thin), built a career as America’s premier dispenser of racist, misogynist drivel.
He specialised in degrading Black people, especially Black women, with the subtlety of a rampaging hippo in a room full of delicate Akamba carvings.
On one occasion, he mused, “If I’m dealing with someone in customer service who’s a moronic Black woman, I wonder: Is she there because of her excellence or is she there because of affirmative action.”
Yet, somehow, he managed to cultivate fans here in Kenya. Yes, in the land where Black pilots fly planes and Black doctors save lives. I am not surprised that it turns out these people appear to be the same haters who, back in May, organised an anti-LGBT+ and ‘anti-gender’ conference in Nairobi.
Centuries of colonial indoctrination are to blame. Our ancestors were taught to despise themselves, and some of their descendants now carry that torch proudly, polishing it with imported American nonsense. Self-hatred has evolved from bleaching creams to intellectual bleaching.
It is the same conditioning that convinces a Kenyan to defend Kirk’s claim that, “Black women do not have the brain processing power to otherwise be taken really seriously.” Yes, dear reader, he said that.
How do we rescue these misguided brothers and sisters from the intellectual quicksand of Kirkism? The answer is simple: re-education. A Decolonisation Camp, specifically designed for MAGA-loving, Kirk-adoring Kenyans.
Picture a secure facility in Maralal, where detainees are gently but firmly separated from their YouTube playlists and social media subscriptions. Morning roll call would feature affirmations such as “Black pilots land planes safely every day” and “Wangari Maathai did not steal anyone’s slot”.
Afternoons would involve history lessons about powerful Kenyan women throughout the ages, including Mekatilili wa Menza and Wangu wa Makeri, and how neither needed permission from anyone to be themselves.
For recreation, detainees could hear the story of retired Justice Effie Owuor breaking a 96-year pattern of men only in the judiciary and presiding over a diverse set of cases, championing women's and children's rights throughout her illustrious career, an educational spectacle, far more inspiring than Kirk mangling grammar on his podcast.
Some stubborn cases might resist, crying, “Freedom of speech!” or insisting that Kirk was “telling hard truths”. For them, we’d offer advanced therapy: long virtual walks through African historical sites, and exposure to African feminist literature.
The goal would not be cruelty, but liberation. They are victims of a double colonisation: first by Europeans, now by American right-wing nonsense. We owe it to them, and to ourselves, to break the cycle. Just imagine the transformation.
To these self-haters still mourning their fallen idol, the message is clear: Why worship a man who thought Black women lacked brainpower, when your own grandmother could run circles around him, all the while selling sukuma wiki at the market and balancing a baby on her back?
