My dearest reader, I should have known that a title as prestigious as an artist — writer, poet, painter or content creator — comes with a lot of responsibility. I should have known that curiosity comes at a cost.
I am a curious person. I want to know, I need, I must! Discover, understand and question things. And I believe this career is the best thing for me. Yes, curiosity killed the cat, but you know what’s worse? Confusion. Facing your mediocre self and beginner struggles.
I want to share people’s journeys, their growth and their struggles, so I interview people. While interviewing them is fun, I realised how mediocre my questions are. Not up to par, too shallow, too many, phrased wrongly, still in need of sharpening.
I’m curious and sometimes delusional, so I have half-finished projects. Abandoned hobbies, forgotten recipes, unfinished books (although sometimes I fault the author) and so on.
It’s as if my brain jumps on to the next new thing and leaves the old thing behind, in need of a new stimulant. I’m not mad at the unfinished hobbies I have. They were cheap. The most I spent on an item was to buy a book for my calligraphy. Although the money doesn’t pain me, these failed projects are often portrayed as my inability to focus on one thing. I guess my brain registers this as a half-bitten apple and not a life well lived.
I should have known that, wanting to know something, wanting to understand something, I must start on the beginner level. To allow myself to begin something is to allow myself to make mistakes. And that doesn’t sit well with my ego.
To become a better writer is to constantly hear, to go back and make it better. Although the editors don’t sound like that, my brain registers it as that. It’s to face rejection countless times, to go back to the drawing board countless times. And it sucks. It’s cringe to see how poorly my content performs. And you know what’s worse? Having multiple new projects. Failing left, right and centre.
I should have known that to be curious would lead to starting multiple things at the same time, which leads to confusion and decision fatigue. Yes, I have multiple hobbies to keep me occupied at night, but half the time is spent deciding whether I should cook, paint, edit a TikTok video, make a new cocktail or practise yoga. Plant a new herb, learn calligraphy, go for a walk or explore a new wine. Guys, mental exhaustion is a thing, and it’s worse than physical exhaustion.
Maybe I’m addicted to chaos, and this is me sabotaging. But what use is a life lived without multiple hobbies? How privileged it is to be confused by the multiple sources of joy you have. How magical it will be to be talented.
Ah! Someday soon, I will balance all my hobbies. See like today: I finished 10 minutes 38 seconds in This Strange World, a book I’m reading with Vineyard Book Club Nanyuki. I wrote this article, I posted an Instagram live invite, had bone soup and after this, I’m hosting the poetry live. Life seems good.
