BACHELOR'S DIARY: Time, the relationship killer

One of the questions I get asked all the time is: “How come you don’t like long-term relationships?” Usually followed by, “Are you afraid of commitment?”

If it’s a woman asking, always go with a generic but polite answer. One that will maximise my chances of convincing her to see things my way. If it’s a man, anything goes.

The real answer to these questions is simple. Time. The ticking clock controls just about everything in the universe, steadily turning good into bad. And relationships are no exception.

Time determines physical beauty. You probably know of a couple who separated because the man suddenly wanted to trade in his wife for a younger model. And why Bill Belichick, the 73-year-old NFL coach, is trending for dating a 24-year-old former cheerleader.

The initial days of a relationship are usually heavenly. You’re getting to know each other, giving each other wild passes on things you might otherwise not stand, and treating every little nuance as an adventure. Once the honeymoon phase is over, time comes knocking, bringing reality with it.

Suddenly, all those things you used to tell her and make her chuckle, or nod with understanding, become “mansplaining”. While you both had been attracted to each other because of your independent thinking, you now have to confer with your partner prior to every decision.

I once knew a couple where the wife complained that her husband never divulged his whereabouts when he left the house. In the middle of their fight, the husband stood up. “Honey,” he said sarcastically, “I am now going to the toilet, where I will drop my trousers and take a huge, and probably smelly, dump. Do you want to know how much tissue I’ll be using?”

Time also creates history. While memories can be fond ways of charting the past, the human psyche has a tendency to forget the good ones and keep the nasty bits.

You can take your bae on a spectacular vacation, stay in an expensive hotel, sample exotic foods, swim with dolphins – or sharks, if you’re the brave, stupid kind – in the ocean, and so on.

But she’ll forget all that and remember in spectacular detail a compliment you paid the pretty young waitress at the outdoor café. The one with dimples as deep as craters and the short black dress printed with hibiscus flowers.

Like, who notices the prints on a dress, right?

Even time itself becomes a foe. Ever wondered why she now takes so long to get dressed? Or how come he promises to be home by 10 only to show up at 2? Allow me to blow your mind. That’s how it’s always been! You’re only now noticing it. While it used to be “cute” before, now it’s just annoying. And disrespectful, no less.

Time turns a delicious apple into a maggot hotel, your coveted supercharged ride into a jalopy, and a virgin into a grandma. Kind of makes you wish all relationships would remain at the honeymoon stage, don’t it?

But what if we could pull a biblical Joshua, raise our swords to the sky and stop time in its tracks? The word “ex” would only stand for a letter of the alphabet, divorce lawyers would be out of work, and for every one thousand males in Kenya, there would be three less females to shack up with. Men who would have no partners and would be forced to live as perpetual bachelors — like me.