Are you fed up with casual, meaningless sex in the modern dating world? Unsatisfied with today's sex-obsessed culture? Well, you can consider an alternative – chaste dating. Yes, you can date and get to know someone without jumping into sex. In this day and age, the secular world does not place a high value on chastity, which seems to be regarded as some sort of strange religious virtue. Well, chastity is not only for the religious folk. There are many non-religious reasons why some choose this form of dating. While we often think of celibacy as having religious inclination, there are plenty of people who choose it for secular reasons — as a lifestyle.
The dictionary describes being chaste as:
1. Not having experienced sexual intercourse; virginal.
2. Abstaining from sexual relations that are not sanctioned by certain religious laws or moral principles.
3. Abstaining from sexual relations; celibate.
4. Not involving or suggestive of sexual desire or indecency – a chaste kiss; a chaste conversation.
5. Pure or simple in design or style; austere.
Many of those in chaste relationships do it for the second meaning – “not involving or suggestive of sexual desire or indecency”. Dr Mark Lowery, associate professor of theology at the University of Dallas, describes chastity as that virtue by which we are in control of our sexual appetite rather than it being in control of us.”
Chastity and abstinence are words that are often used interchangeably. Abstinence is the lack of sexual activity. In itself it is not a virtue but simply abstaining from action; while chastity is a virtue – living deliberate integrated and well-balanced life without sex. On the other hand, celibacy is the state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations.
It’s very important that before you embark on this journey you know why. Why are you chaste or considering it? Not knowing the reason why you’re doing something can greatly hinder your progress and success. Knowing why you are doing it helps you to have a sense of purpose and direction.
Dawn Eden, the author of The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On in her book says young adults have bought into the “just-do-it” culture, and some have found that it just doesn’t do it for them. Sometimes, when you have sex too soon without getting to know the other person well, you will be bound to them physically, and you might find that most of the time all you do is jump into the sack. You discover you have nothing to talk about since you don’t know them well.
Dating is a process, and within the process are expectations. The first expectation is that both persons are positively open to finding their future spouse, and they are spending time with each other specifically because they want to determine if the other might be that person for their future marriage. Having a chaste dating experience means both persons are interested in making sure the relationship develops without having sexually-related things happen.
A big one is sex. But this also means avoiding physical actions that would stimulate or cause arousal. For example, kissing on the lips for a few seconds can be a nice sign of affection. It does not typically stimulate or arouse. But a French kiss (a kiss with the tongue) or prolonged kissing on the lips along with pressing the other against you will naturally stimulate and arouse.
Many advocates of this form of dating say chastity allows a relationship to develop in a healthy way. They say it provides the freedom to get to know someone, build a true friendship, and discern if this is someone you should spend your life with. Physical intimacy binds you to another person (maybe before you have even decided that you want to be bound to this person). It will then clog your judgement as you try to discern the relationship because you will feel less able to just walk away.
This is also not new in Kenya as some are going this route. Juliet, 25, who has been practicing chaste dating, shares how she made the decision. “For the first time, I saw clearly that all the sex I ever experienced had failed to bring me closer to marriage or even sustain a committed relationship. Even when I had been in a relationship, the sex that was supposed to strengthen the bond between me and my lover put up emotional barriers.”
She continues to explain that before she embraced chastity she believed 'having sex like a man' is what spices up a relationship.
Pascalia, 28, began practicing chaste dating after she got tired of being in situationships and in relationships where she experienced unrequited love. “I got so tired of the heartbreaks. I knew how to get close to a man — leaving the door open so that the option of sex was available. I did not know how to build any kind of closeness without that option. And I felt empty and wasted.”
Geoffrey and Marie, a dating couple, say they made a deliberate decision to be chaste. “We made it clear to each other at the beginning of the relationship that we were not going to have sex. We are both saved and we didn’t want to complicate this lovely thing we were nurturing with physical intimacy,” Geoffrey tells me. Marie explained when they met they were not virgins. “We had had sex before and it didn’t end up well. And that's why we chose a different way of dating to see if things would work this time round.”
They admit it’s not easy and many online sites that advocate for chaste dating offer advice on how to set physical boundaries that will help you prevent scenarios that may arouse you or your partner to the point that it is extremely difficult not to have sex.
The proponents advice partners to have a talk from the get-go, and set boundaries and standards from the very first date to make sure they understand what they are getting into to enhance their commitment. They say if you don't guard your emotions in a relationship, the feelings will lead you. Here are tips they suggested will prevent you from finding yourself in a compromising situation.
Avoid sleepovers: This is likely to make your hormones run wild when you are all alone together.
Keep away from sexually arousing movies and sex talks: Thoughts are powerful and the more you entertain the idea the harder it will be for you to overcome the temptation.
Practice group dating or have a chaperon: This reduces the possibility of being alone, as it may leave you locked in passionate moments.
Meet in public places: Dating in restaurants is a good option. However, when you meet indoors a couple should not lock themselves inside the house.
Dawn Eden, the author of The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On said these powerful words in an interview: “During the times I’ve dated since becoming chaste, I’ve found that even as my boyfriend and I resist the urge to take off our clothes, I feel more and more ... naked. Now I realise more so than ever before how much I withheld when I was having sex. My lovers and I had used the act as a shortcut to intimacy. Going on date after date with a man I find immensely attractive and not having sex with him, the layers of emotional protection gradually get stripped away. What’s left is either a highway to heartbreak — or the foundation for the greatest love that ever was. The only way to learn the answer is to take the risk.”
Non religious reasons to choose chastity/celibacy
1. Celibacy prevents Sexually Transmitted Diseases
While we're told that regular sex is good for health, STDs are not! Abstinence is the only 100 per cent effective birth control method and effective in preventing Sexually Transmitted Infections.
2. Celibacy boosts (non-sexual) intimacy
Sex is bound to intimacy. You get to know someone without sex getting in the way. Addiction or other unhealthy attachments to sex would fall into this category, too.
3. Celibacy is empowering
You get to control your emotions and choose when to get physically intimate with someone. You don’t succumb to peer pressure or be a slave to urges. For many, it’s empowering because they choose to experience physical intimacy within marriage.
What if you’re sexually active and want a change?
If you’re practicing sex in your relationship and you now want to want to practice chastity, then you have to communicate your decision to your partner. You may want to do this but your partner may not be willing to go this path with you. That is a reality you have to face. Your decision could lead to a breakup. If your partner is willing to stop having sex and embrace chaste dating, start by having an open conversation with them on how to go about it. You are going to need their commitment to chastity to make this work. If one person is the gatekeeper, it can move the relationship towards power struggles and resentment rather than growth and unity.
Celebrities who practiced abstinence/chastity at some point in their lives
1. Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey had sex in marriage.
2. Tamara Mowry-Housley was a virgin until the age of 29, then later practiced abstinence until marriage.
3. Lady Gaga abstained from sex for some time in 2010.
4. Jordan Sparks was a virgin until her early 20s
5. Singer Joe Jonas remained a virgin until marriage.
6. Meagan Good and Devon Franklin waited to have sex in marriage.
So it is possible. If you are looking to know someone without the complication of what sex brings, then chaste dating is the way to go.
