As parents, we hate seeing our children unhappy and giving in sometimes feels a lot easier than saying no. Sometimes parents raise spoilt kids in the name of love. We choose convenience over conviction. Constant coddling and pampering can be harmful in the long run.
Parenting styles that shield children from challenging experiences reduce their opportunities to build resilience. I am sure we've all seen spoilt kids grow up to be overindulged, selfish, unhappy and constantly dissatisfied adults. Parenting today has myriad challenges, especially because of social media influence.
Luckily, there are ways to undo their bad behaviour before it gets worse. Let us begin by asking: Are you raising a highly spoilt kid? The first step is to identify the signs of a spoilt child. Here are the most common red flags.
One, a child who does not take 'no' for an answer: Your child expects to get things their way and usually does. In fact, they’re the ones constantly telling you 'no'.
Second, a child who is more into receiving than giving. A spoilt child is unappreciative of what you do for him or her. Instead of saying 'please' and 'thank you', their go-to word is 'give me'.
Three, children who demand things ASAP. They don’t consider that other people may be inconvenienced by their requests and expect you to set your priorities aside and cater to them.
Four, children who only think about themselves. They feel entitled and expect special favours. If another child in class gets a well-done sticker, they get upset and say: “I deserve it more!”
Five, children who are never satisfied with what they have. They’re used to having all the toys in the world, but it’s never enough. They always want more, more, more.
Teach your kid to be more considerate, caring. Since spoilt attitudes are learnt, they can be unlearnt. Just don’t expect your child to appreciate your new parenting style. They’ll likely be resistant at first, so take things slow and don’t give in. Just follow these steps:
One, say 'no; without guilt.
Parents often believe that saying 'no' decreases self-esteem, but research shows that children who are raised with structure and less-permissive parenting have higher self-worth and feel more empathy towards others.
When you say 'no', give a short reason to help them understand why. For instance, “Homework comes before playtime. This way, you can have fun without worry” or “No playtime today because you have a cough and may be contagious. We don’t want your friends to get sick as well.”
Two, praise the right things.
If your child is addicted to praise, try praising them when they do something for – or with – another person.
For example: “You and your classmate did such a great job on that science project” or “Giving your friend your favourite toy was very thoughtful of you. I love your kind heart.”
This reinforces the importance of caring. So don’t be quick to ask: “What did you get on the spelling test?” Instead, ask: “Tell me about one nice thing you did for someone today.”
Three, boost gratitude.
Practising gratitude helps children feel happier, cope better with adversity and increases their life satisfaction.
Hold regular gratitude rituals with your children. Younger children can draw things they are grateful for, and the older ones can write their appreciation in a diary.
You can also take turns sharing appreciation at the dinner table or keep a shared family gratitude journal that everyone can write in.
Four, stretch waiting.
Research shows that being able to pause, wait and delay is highly correlated with future academic and financial success. If you are on the phone and your child wants your attention, signal: “Later!”
If your daughter wants that sweater now but forgot her allowance money, tell her: “Next time!” If your son pushes his sister off of her chair so he can use the computer faster, say: “Wait!”
Five, point out insensitive actions.
Whenever your child does anything remotely inconsiderate, help them consider the other person’s feelings: “How do you think your friend felt when you grabbed the candy from his hand without asking?”
Then ask, “What can you do to avoid those hurt feelings next time?” The right questions can help children learn empathy and recognise how their spoilt actions affect others.
Six, focus on giving, not getting.
Find opportunities for your child to do things for others, like baking cookies for an ailing neighbour. Or identify a cause together so that they can experience the miracle of giving, like taking toys to a children’s hospital.
When it comes to receiving, set limits on material items and stick to them. Teach your child how to accept gifts by rehearsing polite responses prior to the event: “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
Doctorate student in Project Planning and Management at UoN
