If you are looking for a boyfriend, let me share two secrets. (I know most of you women pretend you do not want a man, but you do, we all want love and regular sex) And this is well-researched information but maybe you do not take it to the bank, you cannot cash it in shillings, but it is not hot air and I am definitely not sending you on a wild goose chase.
Anyway, secret number one. Look for men in their 50s. They have almost always done their fair share of rubbish and are now ready for love. Their wives are tired of their nonsense and they are lonely. These men still believe in looking after their women and do not have useless arguments that involve calling women gold diggers and asking them what they bring to the mysterious table.
Number two, be accessible as in, go where you can be seen and someone can say hi to you yawa. This thing of being a good woman at home listening to Joel Osteen can only end in tears. No amount of motivational quotes and reels will bring you a man. Just get out there and get into the system. Figure out where your type of man hangs out and keep going there. I promise you, this is not a fool's errand.
That said, men, you need better opening lines yawa. Stop telling women that you want a baby. We do not run breeding farms yaye. Does this line work? Because the rate at which it is thrown around, I am beginning to think some dizzy cows believe it. That notwithstanding, let us try to operate on a higher brain wave than that of a sack of cement.
We do not want to go to Diani. Especially if you are of a certain age. We have been doing that, so if you are after a wow factor, wrong address, please. Nani, I cannot go to places 20-year-olds are taken. Do you want me to have to burn down my whole village when I find myself in an aeroplane with my 20-year-old and her boyfriend? Why do you want to Diani me to death? Did they close Santorini and such?
There is nothing as annoying as thinking a man is making sense then he says, imagine us in Diani somewhere, resting. You are tiring us in this town. (Direct translation from vernacular)
Omera, listen. Your penis is not a magic wand. It will not make anyone glow, it will not rock my world, it will not make me happy if I am sad (because maybe I have money problems) OK? If it could, you would not need to tell us. The ones happily glowing and pitched on the ground like a tent to avoid falling off the earth because of their rocking worlds would be spreading the good news and we would be looking for you. Let us try to put some thought into some of the things we say. It will go a long way.
At our age, reverse psychology does not work. When you say something, we believe you and we move on. You cannot say, 'oh, I'm scared of you because I could get addicted to you so I will stay away.' OK scaredy cat, I have heard you, move out of my way. Do not expect any convincing or bargaining.
Lastly, please stop threatening us with your mother. Ati, “I will take you to my mother, she will really love you!” Of course she will, she loves me, your wife, your second wife, your secretary, the neighbour's maid and your goat. Calm down, we know how mothers operate these days. There was a time being taken home to mother dearest meant something significant. Not anymore.
This week marks 21 years since my mother transitioned, Tuesday 13th September to be exact. A lot has changed from that morning all those years ago, I am not the girl she left. I am proud of the big mouth I have acquired and all the wonderful words that are used to describe me. I choose to speak up, I choose to show pain, I choose to heal and I choose me because these are privileges my mother and ancestral mothers were denied.
Continue resting in peace Nyar Gem.
