Some West African woman, an apparent victim of abuse, appeared on my timeline. I must confess I am not a gospel music fan so I had to read up on her to find out what had happened to her. It is said that her husband beat her to death. The abuse was an open secret. Of course, the story elicited a lot of emotions and a number of other stories with a similar plot came up.
Christian couple. Abusive husband and dutiful wife under the constant guidance of a ‘servant’ of God. Advice is always standard, divorce is not an option, this is a test from God, pray him back.
Many people ask, “why can't she just leave?” This is a very easy question to ask, but very difficult to answer. I will attempt my own version of why a woman in a stupid marriage finds it hard to leave.
From the time she is a girl, a woman is taught shame and fear. Shamed for normal body functions and fear of failure. It is usually in the guise of caution. She needs to be neat, because she is a girl. Her school socks ought to be clean, she must sit in a certain way even if she is all covered up. She must not belch and never fart loud enough for anyone to hear let alone smell. She must not rest, only lazy girls who no one will marry sleep until odd hours of the day. All eyes are on her. She holds the family’s ‘good’ name.
Of course she will choose, rather settle, for a buffoon because she was a good girl. Where did she experience any other men? And talking about good, good girls wait to be chosen like mangoes in a market. She gets married and goes with what I term loosely advice.
“What God has put together, you are not walking out of because He hates divorce; He would rather you meet him in His heaven.” “A good marriage can only be achieved if the woman is long-suffering, enjoys black eyes and an STI or two” “Women who have left relationships are past their use-by dates and because you need a man to breathe, how will you live?”
So going into a marriage, you have already been shamed into never failing.
Now here is a good woman, who did all her chores, went to church and has all the Bible verses in her heart, generally did not ‘mess’ up. She thought she was walking into a fairytale. She had married her prince boxing, I mean charming and is ready for a life of bliss.
I can assure you that when the first punches came, she ran to tell someone. Someone who obviously shamed her back into the ring, I mean marriage. “What did you do to him, you know men like peace, cook this, bake that. Wear less and sometimes more. Do not hold him accountable, eish I mean do not nag him. Besides if you leave him where will you go with all your children? Who will want you? Where will you be buried? Pray, my sister, pray! And say this Psalm every three hours!”
So she goes back. Until the next time. When the next time happens, she may run to another until she accepts her fate.
Many women have been duped into thinking suffering quietly with grace is feminine and dignified. They cover their bruises with makeup and stockings, never talk ill of their abusers. They keep their homes together. That when they see a woman who has managed to pull herself out of a messy relationship they say, “heh! You are strong. You are brave. You are tough. I don't think I can live without baba nani!” As if having common sense, loving yourself and thinking you deserve better is not a feminine trait.
You want to know why that woman cannot leave an abusive relationship? It is because of us. Society, her family, religion. The perception of God we have sold. It has nothing to do with her.
Where I am from, there are women who have built in their father’s compounds, women who have got their own land and built their homes, women who have raised children on their own and some have never even told anyone who their baby daddies are.
Many are old women now, my grandmothers, yet they are respected, they stand at functions and talk. They introduce themselves confidently. I am happy to say my genes, my family, my ancestors saved my life.
We must create safe genes, supportive families for our daughters. Then they will be able to leave.
“WATCH: The latest videos from the Star”
