Women need to learn self-preservation skills. In all aspects of their lives. Men do. Not just individually but even for their gender as a whole. A man is built to preserve himself and his fellow man. Known to him or otherwise.
There is a perception that women are better at cheating. I think men decide to mind their own business unless thoroughly inconvenienced. Unless he is petty and insecure, men rarely look through women's handbags and phones.
For us, if the bag is there, we go through it. If the phone is in his pocket, we want to get it out. What usually follows is a pain I cannot explain in words, not even sign language. I cannot even draw it. I believe such revelations weaken the heart. We need to learn to stop looking for things unless necessary.
A widow has been following her late husband's benefits. It has taken a few years and in those years she has suffered with her children. Help from in-laws has almost been nill. She has done menial jobs for years and then finally gotten a halfway decent job. A few months into the job, she gets a call that her husband's benefits will be released to her on such and such a date.
Excited, she of course shares the news with her relations. Unfortunately, (but how rude) her sister-in-law dies. This is the wife of her late husband's brother. She is informed immediately and is also told how important it is for her to attend this funeral as this is like her co-wife. Her presence is expected. Her family also tells her that they shall travel all the way to ‘support’ her.
Her head is swelling with pride. People know how important she is. Not only that, they are saying what a good woman she is. She has not forgotten her home.
So she gets unpaid leave from work, a whole week early because she must go home and prepare for the guests she will be receiving and for the funeral.
She has been presented with the burial budget, which includes transport for her relatives coming from her home.
Your guess is right, her husband's benefits had hit her account. She was now going to spend it all burying a stranger in a home that is not hers. All so that people can say how good she is.
Meanwhile, she has children she has suffered with, who she will continue suffering with when the dung hits the fan. You cannot make these things up! She chose not to preserve herself. And her children. Tell me the story would have been the same had it been a widower.
I have asked time and time again, why do women want to be good? Why are we expected to be good? The graves are full of good women who died young. Women whose lives were cut short because they could not or would not preserve themselves. Why do we think it is wrong to be selfish? The world is not yours, nani. No one but you and your immediate loved ones need your sacrifice. And even for those immediate people, there should be boundaries.
Self-preservation is not wickedness. It is for our good and for those in our immediate circle of influence. Often, our children. Imagine not feeding your child because you buried someone's wife. She isn't your sister or even your brother's wife.
The most important part of self-preservation is in the collective. The way we treat each other as women. Often a narrative of “women are their own worst enemies” is peddled.
When a woman came out looking for help because her deadbeat baby daddy would not step up, women asked why she had children with a married man. Apparently she “knew” what she was getting into. As if the rest of you know what you are getting into with that man you think is single.
You make it so difficult and humiliating for a woman to speak up. You make it easy on useless men to continue walking around with their heads high yet they do not know if their child ate or died from hunger. How can you not have mercy on a woman like you? Stop projecting misguided anger on women in distress. If you have unresolved issues with your own relationship, deal with your man. It is not every woman's fault.
